Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

Virgo

Virgo, I get it, you're getting' up there in years. Disregard your age! That saying "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" – forget about it.

For one, you are not a dog, you are a human. And for two, old dogs can totally learn new tricks. I taught my old St. Bernard how to be a footrest despite the fact that he was twelve. He was so good at lying on the floor, motionless, allowing my feet to rest on his back, that I didn't realize he was dead for years.

I miss him.

Anyway! The stars really think you should push past your decrepit ways and find a new career or two, ya mummy. It's not like you got anything else going on.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and wants his dog back.