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Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Tim Robbins takes in the sweet, sweet moisture droplets of freedom in 'Shawshank Redemption' (Credit: Columbia Pictures)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.


Do you feel imprisoned by life, Aquarius? Like you're in a 6' x 8' jail cell? Like you're some sort of rat in a cage*?

Well, Aquarius, you need to escape.

Crawl out that metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down the imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life, Aquarius!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.

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