The Future King's Profits

The future King of England, Prince Charles (God bless him) does not come cheap. We now spend well nearly 5 million dollars a year financing his public duties.

In the past twelve months these included journeys to Indonesia and South America, accompanied by Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, and all aboard private jets. The trips were organised to raise awareness of climate change. Anyone who spots the irony please ignore it. We have to.

It is, of course, absolutely vital for the future King of England to have opinions that are totally his own. That is why we are also obliged to ignore his weird and wonderful views about architecture.

Prince Charles, you see, intensely dislikes anything new. So when the Arab owners of a prime site in London suggested building a fanciful modern structure made of glass and concrete, Prince Charles simply telephoned his opposite number in the Royal family of Qatar and the whole idea was quietly dropped.

That is what being Royal is all about. You don't have to answer questions or explain. You just go feudal. You simply say who you are and wait for them to obey.

Now Prince Charles rarely gives interviews, so we are unable to press him on this controversial dispute. However we are very grateful to have with us this morning a representative of the Duchy of Cornwall, the Prince's major corporate presence. It may look like a cookie to you, but this is a genuine Duchy Original, a totally organic hand-crafted and highly profitable Royal biscuit that has helped the Prince earn nearly 30 million dollars in the last year.

You see Prince Charles is not only a toff he is also an extremely astute businessman. Last year he managed to pay 10% less to our IRS simply because he got 3 million dollars more in official expenses and then set it against his tax bill. He owns huge swathes of land, hundreds of homes and factories that produce his specially branded goods. Our future king, in other words, has actually found a way of coping with the credit crunch. Delicious!
By Ed Boyle