Techno Claus 2010

'TIS THE SEASON when all of us could use some help in choosing gifts for that hard-to-shop for person on your list. Since Santa himself won't be coming down the chimney for a couple of weeks, would you settle for David Pogue of The New York Times?

My god, I'm exhausted! It's that time of year,
Where shopping and stressing oustrip the good cheer.
It's hard to get kids what they want. It's all tech -
It might just be simpler to write 'em a check!

But never you mind. Listen, I'm tired too,
But I've got some idears for the Santa in you.

The polls say the number one wish on the list,
Is the iPad. The iPad? Well, if you insist.

Apple iPad, $500 and up

I mean, it's amazing - don't misunderstand;
It runs all those apps - but you'll pay half a grand!
Let somebody else buy the kid the machine;
You give the accessories. See what I mean?

Like this: A case for the iPad; and here,
You fold it to make a full keyboard appear.

Solid Line Bluetooth Keyboard Case, $135

There's actually dozens of cases like this,
And compared to just typing on glass - this is bliss.
And regular cases are plentiful too,
And here's one I love - 'cause the joke is on you.

Headcase Etch-a-Sketch iPad Case, $38

OK, it's not practical - too big and thick,
But it's witty, it's clever. A visual trick.

And speaking of optical pranks for your friends,
Give this to your loved ones. Looks just like a lens.

Photojojo.com Camera Lens Mug, $24

But look - it's a mug! With a cap for your brew.
It holds more than a lens - and it's much cheaper, too.

The elves in my workshop play Scrabble all day,
Which kind of annoys me - they're not paid to play!

Scrabble Flash Cubes, $20

Well, this game's for all of those Scrabbular nerds
You arrange the five tiles; try to spell the most words.
The cool part: they actually sense where they are;
They beep if you're right - and if not, no cigar.

You know ebook readers? They've been the rage.
They're OK - if you don't mind a black-and-white page.
But here: Barnes & Noble says, come take a look
At our touch screen, and color - the new Color Nook.

NookColor, $250

For Dickens, OK, color doesn't add much.
But look at the magazines, kids' books, and such!

When time comes for wrapping, well, let me be frank:
There's nothing so merry as playing a prank!
If there's someone naughty on your shopping list . . .

Prankpack.com, $8

These boxes show products that shouldn't exist.
Fake gifts like the Pet Petter; Blankeez; iArm;
Put the real gift inside it. Come on - what's the harm?

This last one's no secret: the Xbox Kinect
It gets all of the Microsoft hype you'd expect.

Xbox Kinect, $150

It plugs into an Xbox - a separate pod -
Then lets you control all these games with your bod!

Look, ma! No controller! Beat me if you can!
Look out - gonna spike it! - Oh yeah! Who da man!?

. . . OK. There you have it. Let's gimme three cheers
For giving you so many brilliant idears.
Now I gotta go. Gotta fly out of sight;
I got 98 million more houses tonight!