Parent Or Pal?
For most parents, having a close relationship with their children is important. But there is a point at which too close may not be a good thing.
Roni Cohen-Sandler is a clinical psychologist and the author of "Trust Me, Mom - Everyone Else Is Going." And on The Early Show’s Kid Connection series she has some tips on where - and how - to draw the line between parent and pal.
In her book, Dr. Cohen-Sandler brings some advice to mothers who are not sure how to communicate with their daughter.
Read an exerpt from "Trust Me Mom, Everyone Is Going"
"Nearly every time my telephone rings lately, it's the mother of a teenage girl who is confused, upset, or absolutely frantic about the state of her daughter's social life-her friends, her attitude, her boyfriend, her secrecy, her nightlife. Without exception, mothers are concerned about what exactly their adolescent daughters are doing, who they're doing it with and, especially, if they are safe. Whether your daughter is approaching or well into the teenage years, you too may question the quality of her friendships, worry about substances and sex, and have reservations about her romantic choices. Maybe you panic whenever you see a red flag that may signal trouble, making you wonder if you are completely crazy at times. If so, be assured that you are in good company. These days, no mother seems immune.
Perhaps because we have considered ourselves a more aware and progressive generation of mothers, we expected that our daughters would somehow make smarter decisions in their lives and bypass the typical teenage troubles. Unfortunately this turned out to be a fallacy. Mothers today share a nearly universal perception: Even girls who were once rational, reasonable, and levelheaded suddenly seem to be making stupid, frightening, or potentially dangerous choices.
These girls are not all troubled; these are difficult times. Since the publication of my first book, I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!, which dealt with conflict in the mother-daughter relationship, women have increasingly told me that their teenagers' social lives have become their number one concern. In fact, countless mothers have confided that they never could have imagined, much less predicted, their daughters' behavior. For example, some girls were caught using alcohol or drugs, sneaking out of their homes, and lying about their whereabouts. Others were found to have diaries or
e-mail peppered with vulgar words or explicit sexual references. A few were even taken to emergency rooms or picked up by police or suspended from school.
These aren't evil girls from awful families but typical teenagers, some of whom are struggling, many with remarkable talents, who are nonetheless making worrisome choices. It may be difficult or even unthinkable to accept that your daughter, if she has not already done so, may soon join their ranks. Yet it is important to acknowledge from the outset that poor decisions, rash actions, and risk taking are as fundamental to adolescence as acne, braces, and the first kiss. It is just that you probably never thought you would have to deal with them.
Until now, it was always other teenagers who wove elaborate cover stories to elude parents who forbade them from certain peers and situations. You were sure that the open communication and trusting relationship you worked so hard all these years to establish with your daughter would eliminate her need for such subterfuge as a teen. The first time you discover that she has manipulated, deliberately misled, or outwardly lied to you, your whole foundation may be shaken. Is it possible that your daughter is being evasive, telling half-truths, or blithely ignoring your rules?"
Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the issues of women and adolescent girls. Her work has appeared in many national publications and she has appeared on numerous television and radio appearances including CBS News.