Married With Children
When married couples have children, their lives change - sometimes in ways they can't anticipate. And while kids can bring a lot of joy to a relationship, they can also complicate and drastically change the way partners relate to each other.
If you would like to find out if your parenting life is overshadowing your life as a couple, psychologist Bonnie Maslin has a quiz. And if you fail the quiz, she has some tips for improvement that she is sharing in The Early Show continuing series, "After I Do."
If you answer yes to more than half the questions you may have to re-balance your relationship priorities, she says.
The following are some guidelines may that help your marriage, once the kids arrive:
Work Toward Mutual Respect - Work of the unpaid parent is often devalued. The parent who works outside the home is sometimes identified as getting off easy because he leaves the house. Do not let resentment build. Listen to your spouse when he/she talks about the load he/she carries. Acknowledge each other.
Create Time For Intimacy/Stay A Couple - Over the course of a relationship, the intensity and frequency of sex invariably changes. Sometimes sex will not be on the front burner, but keep the pilot light burning. If sex has stopped, restart it. Be sure to talk about it and schedule it into your life. Also, teach children about respecting privacy early. Knock on doors and expect the same from your child. You may want to put a lock on your door and maintain a private space for the two of you. And be affectionate, even when you do not have time or energy for sex.
Establish Fair Financing - If one partner is going to give up working to become a stay-at-home parent, work out the financial arrangements before the baby comes. Having to ask a partner for money often shifts a relationship in a negative way. For example, unpaid work often does not have the status of paid work. Some couples solve this by working out a budget in advance or having a shared checking account where the one income is deposited and both husband and wife are free to draw on it. While working, some women save "their own money" for the time when they will be at home so they feel that they have a sum of money over which they have complete freedom of control.
Find A Parenting Recipe - Mothering without working outside the home does not suit everyone. Some women stay home for three months and are overjoyed to get back to their former jobs. Others never go back to former careers and feel that being a mother is the only career they ever want. Remember, there is no one way to be a good mother. In fact, a father can be a very good mother, too. Make thoughtful choices that suit you and your family and they will be the best choices for all. Ask yourself what feelings give rise to this complaint. Assess whether this feeling may be telling you that it is time to return to work. Are you missing the social contact of work? Are you missing the stimulation and excitement? Are you feeling isolated? Are you feeling unacknowledged? Asking questions will help you make the decision that is right for you, your child, and your family.
Join a parenting/mother's group - This is especially important for first-time mothers or mothers making a significant lifestyle change. It helps with sense of isolation and it is a great way to discover "tricks of the parenting trade."
Develop parenting pride - Refer to yourself and other mothers as a working parent.
Share family meals - Sitting down together at family meals is the single best way for families to stay connected. Connected families have less family strife.
Understand your child's development - Especially, pay attention to issues that can cause stress and/or conflict in your marriage. Wise and knowledgeable parents fight less over child rearing. For example, parents have a hard time getting their newborn to sleep through the night. But if you know that sleeping through the night is related to an infant's weight - babies need to be about 10 to 12 pounds before they will be able to do it – you may feel less stressed and pressured. Also if you know that crying before sleep is a way for babies to discharge their energy and that infant crying of this sort is not about pain and distress, it can help you as a new parent manage this transition more easily and with less guilt.
Get to sleep - Many parents feel irritable with one another and their children if they are sleep deprived and many parents are sleep deprived. If you are feeling irritable, depressed, think about how you have or have not been sleeping. Work towards getting sufficient, uninterrupted sleep.
Get a fill up! - Mothers are giving machines. Do not run the risk of feeling depleted. Do something that restores you. Doing something for yourself is the "gift that keeps on giving." If you take care of yourself, you are better able to take care of your children and family.
Spend time with kids - Avoid the No. 1 regret of working parents - "I should have spent more time with my children." Do the math. Every week sit down and calculate how much time you have spent with your child as compared to work. If the numbers are extremely lopsided, make a point of making a change.
About Bonnie Maslin
Dr. Maslin is also the author of "The Angry Marriage," "Not Quite Paradise: Making Marriage Work," and "Loving Men for All the Right Reasons." Dr. Maslin's newest book, "How to Pick Your Battles with Kids: The Complete Book of Tactics for Surviving Parent Child Fights with a Smile on your Face" is currently with St. Martin's Press and will be published this winter.
She is married to Dr. Yehuda Nir, a psychiatrist, and is a mother and stepmother to four children.