Learning How to Let Go
Most of us spend our lives pursuing certainty—or we accept uncertainty in some areas of our lives and isolate those parts, pretending certainty exists outside them. Sadly, certainty is not our birthright, nor does it come with age and autonomy. Indeed, some would even say that certainty is an illusion.
In truth, we live in a dynamic world that changes all the time. It may change in (what appear to be) quantum leaps, as it did when the World Trade Center was attacked by al-Qaeda terrorists on September 11, 2001. Or it may change in seemingly microscopic movements, as it does when rocks "flow" over the centuries, or the interest rate goes up another quarter percent. Whether it's macroscopic or microscopic, change is inevitable and is bound to affect our lives to a greater or lesser degree. Consequently, trying to "hold on" to anything—ideas or material—is an exercise in futility, which underlies the importance of learning to "let go."
Letting go allows you to be open to new ideas and ways of doing things, while control is likely to slip out of your grasp when you least expect it to do so. Think of a skier preparing for a steep downhill run; he has to lean down the slope and allow his body to respond freely to the topography of the piste. If he were to face uphill and try to cling to the side of the mountain, he would only make slow uneven progress and end up crashing into a tree. So, go with gravity, let go, and arrive at your destination with a flourish.
If you do not let go, you will constrain your life by confining it to the limits of your own imagination. You may also suffer from severe stress as you try to do everything on your own without the assistance of others—and the more you achieve, the more you will be given to achieve until you can no longer hold it together. The price you pay for trying to remain in control of everything is too high. You will become exhausted and unrewarded.
You may need to consider what you want to achieve in the long run. People who strongly identify with their talents and skills often find it hard to let go and delegate tasks to others who they think will not do the tasks as well as they could. However, if you do not delegate, you will anchor yourself in your current position and will be unable to make progress. Try to delegate and coach so that you can develop the skills in others that will allow you to move on to new pastures.
The longer it goes on, the harder it is to let go. One way of dealing with this is to acknowledge the issue and ask if you can reconcile your differences in a discussion. If you can explore each other's perceptions of the incident and bring understanding to the situation, you may be able to let go of your grievances—indeed, you may find that you misinterpreted the other person's intentions and that your differences were built upon a simple misunderstanding.
If we are to stay healthy, happy, and hopeful, we need to learn to overcome our attachment to the past and our fear of the future. If we try to deny change, prevent it from happening, or rail against its inevitability, we will condemn ourselves to lives of dissatisfaction, frustration, and ultimately, stagnation. Here are some things you can do to help you learn to let go.
If something is holding you back—a fear, a past memory, an investment or attachment to an idea, person, or goal—you can just decide to let it go. You can let it go of the attitudes that prevent you from doing things. You can let go of the fears that limit your choices, and you can let go of the habits that drive your life. By allowing yourself to think new thoughts, seize new possibilities, and develop new behaviors, your life will be able to flow in a way that was unimaginable before. All you have to do is decide to do it!
Many of us abdicate responsibility for our own lives, because it seems too hard to cope with all the knocks that come our way and manage it all for ourselves. It is much easier to have someone come along and rescue us. However, being cared for soon looses its allure when you notice that you are not making progress or achieving your ambitions. It is impossible to move forward when you disempower yourself like this.
When you let go of your fears and anxieties, you will find that the things that happen to you will carry new meaning. You will no longer see things the way that you used to; your old way of looking at the world will give way to a new awareness that allows you to reflect on your experiences, draw conclusions, and learn from them. By allowing a free flow of life's experiences, you will build a databank of resources that you were unaware you had, and these will be in store and ready to access next time you encounter a challenging situation.
Often we feel as if "life happens to us" rather than "us happening to life!" However, we do have the ability to choose what we do, when we do it and how we do it. Even if challenges present themselves to us, we still have a choice in respect of whether, or how, we approach them. Of course, there are bound to be errors in our judgments when we first start making choices, but these will yield more information and merely add to our experience and wisdom. Let go of the mistakes you make in the same way that you let go of the consequences of the past, the reality of the present, and your doubts about the future.
Most of us have messages in our minds which play themselves over and over again in a loop. These are messages that we have been given in our formative years, probably from our parents, teachers, or other people who were significant when we were young. As we grow up, we forget to turn off these messages and instead, carry them into our adult attitudes and behaviors, whether or not they are relevant or helpful. If you reflect on what you have learned from the choices you have made, you will reveal the underpinning messages that you are trying to satisfy. Eric Berne, who developed Transactional Analysis in the 1950s, suggests that we all have one or more drivers which characterize the way we behave. He named five of them: "Be Perfect," "Hurry Up," "Be Strong," "Try Harder," and "Please Others." You will probably recognize one of these as being a driving force behind your behavior. See if you can discover why this is so, and then ask yourself to let go of this old, tired, and worn out injunction.
We are so used to seeing and interpreting the world from our own perspective that we risk becoming entrenched and intolerant of others' views. This makes us unable to empathize with other people who have different belief systems and different ways of doing things. If we block new perspectives, we also block ourselves. Letting go of our entrenched ideas, or at least loosening them, allows us to see the world through a new window, which could be really valuable to us and enrich our experience of life. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes and imagine what it is like to see things from that person's perspective. Argue against your own values and beliefs to see if you can see disconnects in your logic that hold you back and prevent you from letting go. Be open to something new. There are enough opinionated, entrenched, and indignant people in the world without adding to their number!
We often mistake someone's behavior for "who they are." Try to separate the actions from the individual so that you can "forgive" the behaviors while remaining connected to the individual. You can always give them feedback in a positive and constructive way to highlight the impact of their actions. They may just be living out a life script that they have been given and have not yet questioned. By using discernment, you will be able to let go of grudges and unresolved disputes and consign them to the behavioral wastebasket where they belong.
Often, we have dreams of how things ought to be and strive to make them come true, despite obstacles that require an inordinate amount of effort to overcome. Consider going around these instead or seeing if there is a better way of getting where you want to go. Intention and focus are great at manifesting what you desire, but the way this happens may not be what you expect. So let go and let the wisdom of the process take over. You will probably find that the reality is better than what you imagined it would be!
When we let go of something we have invested in for a long time, we experience a sense of loss; it does not matter if our investment is positive or negative. You may invest in a grievance against someone, for instance, or in a job that you want. Whichever it is, once you let it go, you will notice its absence and mourn its departure. Mourning is the process of adjusting to a new situation after having lost something that defined part or all of you. As you mourn, you will feel confused for a while whilst you readjust your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs. If you experience this, do not worry about it; it will certainly pass. Just hang in there and enjoy the new-found richness in your life as you start to let go.
Some people are so fearful of letting go that they end up living a repetitive and stagnant life. Will you be satisfied doing the same things for the next twenty years? If you want change and growth in your life, you will need to let go of all the things that you have overinvested in and that act as chains against your development. You might want to work with a coach who can help you think through the timeline of your life and make the choices that will bring you happiness in the long run.
Letting go is something that can happen at significant crossroads in life. Leaving home, finishing college, or entering middle age are classic transition points that are characterized by letting go. Although much learning and experience can be accumulated at these times, it is important not to burn all your bridges at once. Form contingency plans that allow you to return to something that is familiar if things do not work out the way you dreamed.
Some people think "letting go" is weak, docile and lazy while "holding on" is strong, active, and productive. However, letting go can lead to "flow," while holding on merely increases muscle tension. Over a long period, this can result in headaches, neck and shoulder pain, and stiff joints. It can also be the cause of digestive or heart problems. It is important to let go of stress and tension so that your body has a chance to recover and function properly. Use relaxation techniques for the body and meditative techniques for the mind. Massage and yoga can be helpful. Follow these activities with exercises to disentangle yourself from in old angst-ridden memories and grievances.
We are often told as children "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" However, all this does is increase our frustration, tension, and sense of failure. Perhaps you could replace this statement with "If at first you don't succeed, let go, leave it for a while, and come back to it later if it really is that important!"
Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly,
Finley, Guy,
Finley, Guy,
Tolle, Eckhart,
Positive Health: www.positivehealth.com/permit/Articles/Psychospiritual/clare59.htm
SoulfulLiving.com: www.soulfulliving.com/oct04features.htm
Coping.org: www.coping.org