Keep it Real? Get Real!

A reader asks: If we don't allow ourselves to speak and think negatively, are we still real?
When I first read the question, I thought that it was a "if a tree falls in the wood when nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" type of question. But on second reading, I realized that the usage of "real" in this case was the pop psychology notion of "being real" -- in the sense that you're not "being real" if you don't express what you're "really feeling."

That's a profoundly misguided way of looking at the world -- and it creates a world of trouble for anybody who wants to be successful at sales. Your emotions aren't "real" in the sense that they reflect objective reality. They're only "real" in the sense that you're having that reaction to whatever happens to be going on in objective reality. While many emotions are justified (in the sense of being a common reaction to what's happening), your emotions are actually the result of a decision that you made, either consciously or unconsciously, to react that way.

Let's suppose that you're in a bad mood and you're about to step into a customer meeting. Let's suppose that you're entirely justified in being in a bad mood; perhaps you just learned that your last five tax returns are going to be audited. Are your negative emotions real? Sure. You're having them, so they're real. But are they the inevitable result of receiving that bad news? No way. While most folk would be bummed out at such news, you are making a decision to focus on that limited aspect of your life, rather than the big picture, which in this case includes helping a customer.

Now, does this mean that you should be Little Mary Sunshine every time you meet with a customer? Of course not. It's perfectly appropriate to express your disappointment (for example) if you don't make a sale or if the customer re-negs on a commitment. But what's not appropriate is dragging your negative mood into a customer meeting. You owe it to the customer to focus on the customer's needs, not on your need to vent.

Furthermore, part of rapport building is having empathy for the customer. If a customer is having a bad day and can't manage his emotions, you'd be very ill-advised to walk into his office with a giant smile plastered on your face. That's just as arrogant as bringing your bad mood into meeting. The point is that, for sales, "being real" means "being realistic" about what the customer needs and doing your best to see that the customer gets exactly that.

In other words, it's not about you and your moods. It's about developing a relationship with the customer that helps everyone become more successful.

Next post, I'll explain exactly how to change your emotional state so that you're as effective as possible -- at selling.