Interview With A Robot

For decades, the Lost In Space robot has shunned the media. Programmed to avoid publicity, this most beloved cast member, known fondly as The Robot, always found that talking to the press just "did not compute."

But when he was recruited to star in the new movie version of the classic TV series, he received a physical make-over that included a couple of switched circuits. With that, added to some coaxing from his mouthpiece, Dick Tufeld, the rejuvenated robot felt free to spill his guts and bolts to CBS.com. Read it verbatim, or listen to it in RealAudio, below.

Is The Robot your stage name kind of like Prince or Cher or was it your birth name?

The Artist now known as The Robot was named, like many people brought to America, by an immigration official. I am told my original name was Theoshevitz Robotoffski. Because the man could not spell a simple name, he shortened it to The Robot.

Hear the robot's answer.

What was your childhood, or young robot-hood, like?

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While other children were playing, much of my time was spent getting oiled. Quite relaxing. I came to like that very much. You know, there is nothing like a mixture of Valvoline and WD-40 to prevent rust.

Also, occasionally, I would watch motion pictures. My favorite actor was the tin woodsman in The Wizard Of Oz. They do not have great looking leading men like that any more. Although, I do like RoboCop.

How do you explain your physical transformation from the TV show to the movie? Was it cosmetic surgery? Were you re-built? Was it just a memory bank transplant?

The motion picture's wardrobe mistress has an odd sense of humor. In an effort to update my appearance and make me look more, as they say, hip, I was fitted with a silver belt 74 sizes too small. It made me feel like the number 13 sardine in a size 12 can. As a result, my upper and lower body became grotesquely enlarged, and then turned blue. Only after Will Robinson rebuilt me in the motion picture do I resemble the sweet and lovable robot adored by millions of fans.

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Hear the robot's answer!

I did what any normal cult hero would have done. I became a toy. A Christmas tree ornament. A talking key chain. And also, a talking robot T-shirt. I have appeared at sci-fi conventions, given advice to the lovelorn and confused, and, two years ago, traveled to Australia to appear at the Lost In Space Australia Fan Club Convention. It was called The Robinson Robot Body And Soul Tour, and could properly be described as 'very cool.'

What's a typical day like for you now?

That is a strange question. It is not unlike a typical day in the 1960s: First there is morning, then noontime, followed by afternoon, evening, and, finally, night.

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Have you ever had a substance abuse problem? And just what kind of a substance would a robot abuse?

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Oh, please. We are not bubble-headed boobies. Robots do not abuse substances, nor do they abuse themselves. Further, inhalation is not a function of my internal circuitry. That does not compute. There is a difference, you know, between Lost In Space and lost in space forever.

Have you ever been in trouble with the law? Ever rob a bodega?

I do not lie, cheat, or steal. I am a law-abiding robot. Let me make this perfectly clear. In the famous words of a former president of the United States, 'I am not a crook.'

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How were your amenities on the movie set, as opposed to the TV show?

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My sensors indicate the motion picture cost around $90 million. It was shot in London at Shepperton Studios. I was taken to London for the filming, put up at the Dorchester Hotel, where the assistant manager's name is Nigel Badminton. Is that a great nglish name, or what? Upon completion of my role, I traveled to Paris for four days. So the movie's amenities were, high tea in London, a great hotel, a walk down the Champs Elysee, the marvelous museums of Paris, and, of course, in Paris, they have, as you know, a number of very good French restaurants.

For the TV show, I stayed in a prop room at 20th Century Fox, ate mediocre food at the Shirley Temple Room in the commissary, and, on occasion, strolled down Pico Boulevard in West Los Angeles. And the truth is, all of it was very gratifying.

How was it really between you and Jonathan Harris, or Dr. Smith, as we better know him?

While Dr. Smith has been described as my significant other, Dr. Zachary Smith is evil, wretched, thoroughly rotten, totally self-serving, and completely selfish. He truly sucks. Jonathan Harris, who portrayed Dr. Smith on the TV series, is a brilliant actor possessing great wit and personal charm. He has etched an indelible, unforgettable character that will forever be remembered. But I cannot stand him.

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Did you have any close friends or bitter enemies on either the TV show or the movie?

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Close friends or bitter enemies? That sounds like a 900-page Dostoevsky required reading novel for an English B-1 class.

On the TV series, my closest friend was, of course, Will Robinson, of 'Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!' fame. I am also attached and indebted to two other people. Bob May choreographed my creative, ballet-like arm movements and head spins. And Dick Tufeld trained me to articulate with a fudgy, pleasant sound.

On TV, Jonathan Harris was, at times, a tongue-in-cheek, campy, somewhat comedic villain. In the motion picture, Dr. Smith is played by Gary Oldman. An actor of legendary skills, he is dark, evil, brooding, always contemptible, always detestable. I do not like him. Speaking euphemistically and I choose my words carefully now he is an absolute fart.

Got any good dirt on any of the cast members?

You sound like independent counsel Kenneth Starr. I am not Paula Jones, Linda Tripp, Monica Lewinsky, or Kathleen Willey. If I do have any good dirt, I do not discuss it in the media. That would not compute. I will, however, soon document some extremely revealing information in my new book, Erotic Confessios Of A Mechanical Man, soon in bookstores everywhere.

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Do you do your own stunts? Ever been seriously injured?

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Many years ago, I did many of my own stunts. And once, when kicked in my V-chip area, I felt my sensors really tingle. To prevent further injury in action scenes, I began wearing a tin cup, not to be confused with the motion picture of the same name about golf. That experience was one I do not wish to repeat.

What was the craziest thing you ever did, either during the show or movie? Pull any good robotic pranks?

Robots do not pull robotic pranks. Do not confuse me with the Watergate dirty tricks group. The craziest thing I ever did was agree to this interview. I am only surprised you have not yet asked me about sex in outer space.

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Well, actually, along those lines, is there a Mrs. Robot? if not, are you dating anything?

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In year three of the Lost In Space TV series, there was an episode entitled "Deadliest Of The Species." There was a lady robot I was infatuated with. She was hot stuff, great looking, and, I thought, this was a real robotian babe. I was wrong. She was using me. Manipulating me. Trying to destroy the Robinson family. Just another pretty face. In the final scene, she was zapped. And I am still heartbroken. Somewhere I read, if robots do not remember the mistakes of the past, they are doomed to repeat them.

What, then, is a night out for you like?

Not a good deal different than a night in. Besides, my power-pack always requires recharging.

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Well, back to work related issues, then. Do you have any projects in the works?

Hear the robot's answer!

I am considering offers at the moment to star on stage in a robotic tap dancing spectacular. Something between Riverdance and Bring In Da Noise, Bring In Da Funk. Something to feature my well-known rhythmic aptitude.

Back to 'Lost' Again

The New Mission
Old 'Space'; New 'Space'
The Losties

Written by Rob Medich with graphic design by Jerry Donnelly.size=-1>