Increasingly Great Britain

Take seven British men, any seven at all, and I guarantee that at least one of them will be obese. That doesn't mean fat. It means huge... 420 pounds is not unusual these days.

This country is top of the obesity league in Europe and catching up with you fast. We eat too much, and far too much of the wrong kind of food. It's probably killing us. And that's where the problem starts. Because there is now a real crisis in Britain's crematoria.

If your dear departed uncle ate too much in life, he may not fit into one of Britain's cremators. You see, when most of the furnaces were designed, the ... er... customers .... were a good deal slimmer. The other day one poor soul passed away on the South Coast of England and his grieving family arrived for the cremation only to be told that the deceased was too wide. How wide? This wide.

In the end groaning casket and weeping mourners had to be shipped 200 miles north to find a crematoria big enough for their overweight relative. And this is not an isolated case. Three quarters of all Britons choose cremation. You can go up in smoke for less than 600 dollars over here – provided you don't bust the waistline limit. And if you do? Frankly there is only one thing for it – burial. But we are an overcrowded island with limited space even in life. Which means booking your plot years in advance, and watching your weight like a hawk.

Even the cheapest burial will cost 2400 dollars, but the price is rising faster than inflation, and the fatter you are the more you have to pay. Some graveyards now charge for two plots if clients have a bit to spare in the belly department. So if you want to rest in peace in Britain, go easy on the burgers!
By Ed Boyle