High Anxiety

For those of you keen to clamber down the Grand Canyon or ascend the peaks of the Rocky Mountains, I bring you a cautionary tale from England.

Once upon a time we English adventurously ruled the waves and conquered the heights. You could find us at the very top of Mount Everest happily waving our national flag. Today, however, we are barred from taking all such risks. We are now part of the European Union, and the European Union wants to ground us, wrap us in cotton wool and save us from ourselves - by law. They've invented the "Temporary Work at Height Directive". It's a legal classic. Everything that is slightly out of reach is deemed to be mortally dangerous.

In future, we will only be allowed to go for a walk in the English hills if there are bright illuminated signs that spell out the word Danger in twenty five European languages. Should snow fall, lights will flash to remind you that snow can be slippery. There will be new rain-warnings, fog-warnings, mind your feet don't get stuck in the bog warnings. And if you are so foolhardy as to contemplate the ascent of the tiniest rock, the "Temporary Work at Height Directive" insists upon the erection of industrial scaffolding first. This lunacy was originally designed to safeguard the lives of construction workers.

But it didn't occur to the idiots who handled the paperwork that the rules also apply to hill-walkers, rock-climbers, and anybody who gets on a chair to fix a light bulb. The Directive will come into force all over Europe. And all over Europe – everywhere else except here – it will be religiously ignored. Because our continental neighbours take considerable pride in turning blind eyes to most regulations.

We, however - being English – will enforce the new law to the last letter. Which means no more climbing. Even reaching up to the top shelf for a book will soon be illegal. Thank God your comic characters rarely venture across the Atlantic. It could be the end of Spiderman's career.

By Ed Boyle