Hard Road To Commercial Success
The advertisement industry is worried about the proliferation of digital video recorders that allow viewers to skip through commercials at lightening speed.
If the rest of America is anything like me, the industry has every reason to feel threatened. I haven't sat through a commercial in months. But I have the answer that could help save free-broadcast TV.
It's time for commercial makers to grab viewers' attention with the hard sell. I've taken the liberty of writing a few scripts for major brands so you can see what I mean.
"Guys, you may think you've got your jock itch under control, but you're wrong. That discreet scratch now and then is actually millions of fungus spores attacking your midsection — and everyone around you knows it. In fact, people in the office are starting to call you 'the juggler' behind your back. Stan from human resources told the girls in accounting it's why you switched to a hands-free headset. You need Tinactin Jock Itch Cream. Tinactin takes the itch away, and gives you back your dignity."
"Your kids are craving something sweet and refreshing and juice just won't cut it. It might've worked if you had been diligent when they were little but now they're hooked on the intense flavor of high-fructose corn syrup. Ice-cold Mountain Dew has just what they need, along with a satisfying jolt of caffeine to keep them cranked up all day long. And if they can't get cranked up from what's in the fridge, they could turn to crack and crystal meth. Mountain Dew: a safe alternative."
"We here at Volkswagen know our cars are very expensive to repair and maintain. But would you rather die slowly, crushed behind the wheel of domestic sedan — all so you could save a few bucks to buy an extra 10-strip of lottery tickets?"
"Do you love a thick, healthy green lawn? If you don't, go inside, put on a skirt and start baking me some cookies because Ortho Weed-B-Gon is just for real men. It gets to the root of the problem and kills foreign invaders on contact. Not like the leading brand that lets unwanted stragglers live just below the surface. Weed-B-Gon also creates an impenetrable barrier around your property that keeps the undesirables from crossing over from your less vigilant neighbors, leaving a pure homogenous environment for the right type of seed to take root and thrive. So send that lawn-care crew back to where ever they came from. One-hundred percent All-American Weed-B-Gon is all you need."
"Being a mother is a lot of pressure. The other mothers are constantly judging you about even the most trivial details of your life — like the make and model of your SUV or your undersized and discolored diamond engagement ring or your apparent love of all things polyester. And your inferior status is reflected in the lives of your children. Your community college degree may just be the reason your son or daughter doesn't have play dates with kids of Ivy League pedigree. All that stress and scorn can cause insomnia. You need the sleep medication Ambien CR. There's a long list of side affects but they pale in comparison to your need to leave your immense burdens behind for a few hours of sound sleep. You have so many flaws, don't let droopy eye lids be one of them."
Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.
If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.