Experts: Pre-Wedding Doubts Normal
Remember the hit comedy "Runaway Bride"? Julia Roberts played a woman who kept leaving men at the altar before she could say, "I do." Real-life bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks
Experts say pre-wedding doubts are normal. On The Early Show Monday, author Rachel Safier told co-anchor Harry Smith she called off her wedding, two weeks before the big day.
"It just didn't feel right," recalled Safier, who wrote "There Goes the Bride."
"It just didn't feel right," she repeated. "I didn't get on a bus. I'd like to make clear! Or fake any sort of kidnapping. But it just didn't feel right."
Safier says Wilbanks went "beyond the pale. (But) the sentiment of, 'I want to get on a bus, I wanna get on a plane, I wanna be anywhere but here' is very common."
Speaking of Wilbanks, Safier continued, "Actually, taking that next step, uncommon. Cutting her hair, faking kidnapping attack? Priceless."
Clinical psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig says jitters leading up to the wedding day are "natural. The problem is, it's like a dirty little secret, because the myth around getting married and getting engaged is that it's the most wonderful time in your life, you've met your soul mate, your perfect match, you will have no doubts, you will live happily ever after, done, end of story.
"So we don't leave space in our society, when you look at movies and soap operas, to have those doubts. If everybody walking down the aisle knew they were marrying the right person, or we could tell you how to do that, we'd make a fortune, because it's normal to say, 'Am I doing the right thing?' And it's a good thing. It means you're thinking about it."Safier says, "The women on There Goes The Bride.com and the ones I interviewed for 'There Goes the Bride' all said the same thing. They said, 'Maybe I'll just go forward with it. My poor parents have put out thousands of dollars. And I'll decide on the other end,' which, of course, is not the right thing do."
On her own experience and that of Wilbanks, Safier observed, "You build it up in your mind so the only alternative is hopping a bus? It's not true. Everyone was supportive of (my) decision in the end."
So what advice is there for reticent spouses-to-be? "It's a very noisy time," Ludwig remarked. "…We need to tell people, this is normal. This is par for the course. You're going to have a time when you question whether you're doing the right thing.
"Talk to somebody about it. Talk to somebody who's already been married who can share the realities versus the myth of getting married. Also, give yourself time to think about: are you really marrying the right person, how is this person's character, how do you relate to this person, do you have the same values."
Doubts are appropriate, Ludwig added, "if someone is abusive, has addictions, is psychologically abusive. Then, you want to take time out and say, 'No, thank you.' "
Safier says the wedding scene in the U.S. is "overblown," anyway. "600 people at a wedding?" she asked, referring to Wilbanks' guest list. "That's six or eight weddings."