Boomers' Aging Anxiety

Publishers are coming to the rescue of baby boomers who are having trouble reading the small print of mass market paperbacks. Simon & Schuster's Jack Romanos says, "We've been losing the foundation of our customer base because their eyesight is getting worse, and the books are getting harder and harder to read." So they are printing new paperbacks in a bigger size with larger type and more space between lines. These aren't to be confused with the "large print" version of books. These new books will still fit on the same shelf at the airport store, so boomers will be able to buy them without feeling that there is a sign on their foreheads that reads, "Getting Old."

I hope that phone book publishers figure out how to do the same thing without making the Yellow Pages weigh three hundred pounds. It's also time for watchmakers to make those numbers legible. I'm not sure if I really want restaurant checks to be more readable, but that doesn't seem like it would be too difficult a task.

Eyesight is only one thing that changes as people get older. It would be nice if there were special showings of movies for people who are starting to be "hearing challenged." If the volume were turned up a bit, then other people in the theater wouldn't be constantly subjected to hearing things like, "What did she say?"

They could build special movie theaters for Boomers and Beyond. They would be long and narrow so that all the seats are on the aisle. That way, nobody would be disturbed when you have to go to the bathroom. The audio portion of the movie should be piped into the restroom, so that when you return to your seat, you don't have to shout, "So, what did I miss?"
Many boomers readily admit that their memories are not as good now as they once were. There are already devices to help you find your keys and glasses. You attach a little receiver to the object which will beep when you push the transmitter. All you have to do is follow the beep, and you've got your keys and glasses. My big problem with this is, how would I remember where I put the transmitter? I need a device that could hear me when I say, "Where are my stupid keys?" and then answer me with, "They're right on the table where you left them, stupid." Techies, get to work on that one.

The most annoying and embarrassing memory failure is not remembering the names of people we should remember. We run into someone whose face is very familiar, but we don't have a clue what name goes with that face. One solution would be for everyone over 40 to wear a nametag. This has many drawbacks, not the least of which is that you'd have to remember to put on your name tag before you leave the house.

Forget nametags and technology. If someone who was born at least 40 years ago runs into another person of the same generation, they have an obligation to let each other know what their names are before panic sets in. If the salutation of "Hi" is followed by nothing or by something lame like, "How are you?" rather than a name, the other person should supply his or her name immediately. There's nothing wrong with the second person saying, "Hi, Bill. I'm Jane. I used to live down the hall from you, but I know you remember that." Then when Bill says, "Of course, I knew that," let him get away with it. We've got to stick together on this thing.

Since baby boomers are such huge consumers, I feel society owes it to them to try to figure out more and more ways for them to feel comfortable. I had a few other ideas, but, well, I just can't remember what they were.

By Lloyd Garver