Best Gift Is No Gift

<b>Andy Rooney</b> Gets A Lot Of Things From Viewers

A weekly commentary by CBS News Correspondent Andy Rooney.
One of the worst things about this job is how nice people are to me and how rotten I am to them in return.

For example, they send me things and I don't thank them. If I want something, I buy it; so I get a lot of things I either have or don't want.

Can you guess how long it took Roger Sogge to make this? It's remarkable, but what do I do with it? I stood guard in the Army and I'd rather forget the experience than be reminded of it.

The bank sends me one of these little black books every year to help me organize my life. I'm suspicious when a bank sends me anything, and anyway my life is too complicated to be organized by any little black book.

Steve Hartman's girlfriend, Susan, makes jam. I said you can't make good jam out of blueberries and she sent me this little case of jam to prove I'm wrong. I like the case so much I haven't opened it to try the blueberry.

I made a speech at Indiana State University. Someone sent me the story about it that was in a Texas newspaper. Note the name under my picture.

I wonder how Madonna would feel if she saw her picture with my name under it. Speaking of Madonna, Justin Fishel gave me this molded form of Christ playing quarterback handing off a football. I don't know whether this is sacrilegious or just funny.

This copy of The Stars and Stripes on VE Day in Europe in 1945 came from an antique shop in Cardiff by the Sea, Calif. I had a story on Page One I was proud of.

This very attractive necktie came from the Murrays who make them on Martha's Vineyard. I've never approved of using the American flag for decoration in a buttonhole or as a bumper sticker or on a tie like this, but I must say this is a good-looking necktie. Hope I don't spill anything on it.

People go to amazing lengths trying to get a plug on television. This is a fancy perfume bottle from Bloomingdale's. The letter with it says all I have to do is show up at the store and they'll fill it with all natural IMMACULATE perfume.

I've never understood perfume because it isn't natural. The best anyone can smell like is not to smell at all.

The letter that came with this box from Thomas Adams of Fort Myers, Fla., says, "I am enclosing eight samples of my STUDHUGGER Hangers. "Well, thanks Mr. Adams, this is just what I've always wanted to hang my studs on."
I've had this beautiful bird for quite a while. It was carved by O. Eisenbrand. I like it.

But do me a favor, will you? Don't send me anything. Whatever it is, I either already have one or don't want one.

Written By Andy Rooney