A Renovation Nightmare

Mrs Julie Waters is a proud Englishwoman living in an historic home in the southern county of Wiltshire. Her house in the village of Downton, is more than three hundred years old, and quite enchanting.

When Mrs Waters bought the place it was – how shall I put it – a little bit shabby. Virginia creepers grew all over the outside walls. And Virginia creepers, as anyone from Virginia will tell you, have a destructive habit – they suck the life out of bricks and mortar.

The only remedy is to rip them out. Which is precisely what Mrs Waters did.

After which every brick was painstakingly re-pointed with a special mix of lime and cement to replicate the original way this house had been constructed three centuries back.

Here in Britain, old homes with history have to be looked after to exacting standards. There are rigorous checks and regular inspections. But when the over zealous inspectors examined the restored brickwork on Mrs Waters' house, they gloomily shook their heads.

"It looks too new," they said.

"That's because I've only just done it," she replied.

"It needs darkening," they insisted.

"With what," she asked.

"Try soot," they ordered. Soot being the sludgy black substance that clings to the inside of chimneys after a hot log fire.

With reluctance and trepidation, Mrs Waters erected ladders and rubbed filthy soot all over one wall to see what happened. The wall turned an insipid shade of grey.

"That's the wrong colour," barked the bureaucrats. "Please use yoghurt - yes yoghurt, instead."

And so, whenever it stopped raining (which is rare in Wiltshire), Mrs Waters could be seen painting layer upon layer of plain organic yoghurt upon the expensively restored brickwork of her ancient home. The officials assured her that moss and lichen would be attracted to yoghurt encrusted walls and thus make the new brickwork look old.

But the moss and lichen stayed away. The facade turned a nasty powdery yoghurty white. And poor Mrs Waters developed a similar complexion.

Now she faces a court case, possible imprisonment and the smelliest fate of all. Because the inspectors have decided to age the brickworks of her lovely home by spraying it ... with fresh cow dung.

It could only happen in England.
by Ed Boyle