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Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Donald Trump talks to the press after re
Pretty much everyone hates you, Donald. (Credit: TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP/Getty Images)



Gemini, Gemini, Gemini…

The stars and the Moon—the Moon especially—think you need to be less insane.

Maybe you won't listen to this horoscope. The stars, the Moon and I realize you live on a different world than the rest of us mere peasants. Maybe constellations are different on this fantasy world you live on. Maybe every horoscope you get on said fantasy world tells you that you're the best and gives you carte blanche to be an a-hole.

Well in this world, the real one, if you look up at the sky in the hope of finding out something about your future, the Moon will most likely give you the middle finger, then tell you your comb over looks horrible from his/her vantage point. Even from way up there in space.

Listen, seriously, don't scream at me, just listen: a good person doesn't stipulate terms for giving money to charity. A good person just goes and does it.

You are not a good person.

Good day, Gemini.

I said: GOOD. DAY.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology, but at least he's got great hair.

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