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Weight Loss (With Some Risk Of Death)

exercise, tigers and leopards and thorn bushes
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I recently was introduced to the latest diet fad quite by accident. I was eating alone at a Midtown Manhattan restaurant when two rather loud men at a table near me started talking about the maple syrup detox fast.

The louder of the two said, "For a week I drink nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper." Then he added, "and I masturbate for an hour every morning, which burns a ton of calories."

Aside from losing my appetite, my first thought was: "Do you set an egg timer for that?" My second thought was, maybe this guy was onto something. With the obesity rate in America at epidemic proportions, maybe it's time to think outside the box (pardon the sophomoric pun) when it comes to losing weight.

The Multiple Partners Workout
This approach is more suited to women, though men with a lot of stamina could also take this route to stay in shape. Find a swing event in your area and dive right in. Whoever asks you for some action, just say yes. If the partner is young or old, thin or fat, smooth or rather rusty, it doesn't matter. Just keep your body moving all night long, or until the music stops.

Yes, dancing is great exercise. You knew I was talking about swing dancing, right? You're not one of those perverts who reads "multiple partners" and instantly thinks of sex are you?

The Trip To The Zoo Workout
Visit the large jungle cat exhibit at your local zoo. Go at night, when it's closed. And get on the inside of the fence. Also rub yourself with bacon grease. Then see how close the animals can get before your "flight" reflex hurtles you back over the fence. Repeat that 10 times. It's a total-body workout that doesn't feel like you're working out!

The Thorn Patch Salad Diet
Don't eat the thorns! Just put all your food — whether it's a hotdog with all the fixings or pasta primavera — on a bed of twigs with long, sharp thorns. And you're not allowed to use utensils. Or your hands either.

9-Volt Battery Nutritional Supplement
This method harnesses the unnatural energy in a common household item. Remember when you were a kid and you stuck the end of a 9-volt battery to your tongue and it gave you a weird metallic shock? Do that after every bite you take. You're almost guaranteed to lose 20 pounds and most of your taste buds in a month.

Sawdust And Saliva Diet
This is self-explanatory.

Eat Reasonable Portions Of A Low-Fat, Nutrient-Rich Diet Three Or Four Times A Day And Exercise Regularly
This is still experimental so I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but in some cases people have lost weight following this method. One major drawback, this diet tends to make people smug and condescending when the topic of weight loss and health pop up in casual conversation.


Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.

If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.
By Mike Wuebben