It's often hard to make sense of what you read in the newspaper. I'm reading the newspapers now and it's hard for me anyway. One headline says: "Private Investors To Buy Sallie Mae For $25 Billion."
Does everyone but me know what "Sallie Mae" is, or why anyone would pay $25 billion to buy it?
The story I least like to read these days is about the United States, my United States, torturing prisoners to get information from them that they probably don't have, anyway.
Here's a headline: "Where To Invest Your Money Now!"
I always think that if anyone really knew where to invest your money, they'd do it but he wouldn't tell the rest of the world about it.
Over the years, I have invested some money in the stock market because I make more than I spend since my kids graduated from college. But when the headline reads "Dow Zips Past 13,000," I have no idea what it means. Over 13,00O what? Just send me the money.
One headline says: "Leaders Plan Lower Taxes For Middle Class." I'm not sure how much someone called "middle class" makes but I don't think it's the government's business to try to even out the incomes of all Americans. I don't think anyone likes to be called middle class either.
A new study finds that people in their late 50s and 60s are not as healthy as their parents who are in their 70s or 80s. It may be true but I don't think younger people would want to swap.
One headline reads: "As Vote For New President Nears Democracy Disappoints Nigerians." Well, join the club, Nigerians.
The sports section of newspapers these days always has a lot of stories about soccer. Most Americans don't really care about soccer. It's not as good a game as football. It's more popular around the world than football is because it's cheaper and easier, a soccer uniform, not counting shoes, costs a few dollars. A football uniform can cost several hundred dollars, not counting shoes.
One headline asks a question: "What Will Summer Bring At The Gas Pump?"
Now why would a newspaper ask a dumb question like that? Is there anyone alive who owns a car who doesn't know what will happen to gas prices this summer?
There are so many bad stories in the newspapers everyday. I don't know why I like reading them as much as I do.
Written By Andy Rooney