Trying To Make Sense Of The Papers

Andy Reads His Newspapers And Finds Plenty To Comment On

The following is a weekly 60 Minutes commentary by CBS News correspondent Andy Rooney.

It's often hard to make sense of what you read in the newspaper. I'm reading the newspapers now and it's hard for me anyway. One headline says: "Private Investors To Buy Sallie Mae For $25 Billion."

Does everyone but me know what "Sallie Mae" is, or why anyone would pay $25 billion to buy it?

The story I least like to read these days is about the United States, my United States, torturing prisoners to get information from them that they probably don't have, anyway.

Here's a headline: "Where To Invest Your Money Now!"

I always think that if anyone really knew where to invest your money, they'd do it but he wouldn't tell the rest of the world about it.

Over the years, I have invested some money in the stock market because I make more than I spend since my kids graduated from college. But when the headline reads "Dow Zips Past 13,000," I have no idea what it means. Over 13,00O what? Just send me the money.

One headline says: "Leaders Plan Lower Taxes For Middle Class." I'm not sure how much someone called "middle class" makes but I don't think it's the government's business to try to even out the incomes of all Americans. I don't think anyone likes to be called middle class either.

A new study finds that people in their late 50s and 60s are not as healthy as their parents who are in their 70s or 80s. It may be true but I don't think younger people would want to swap.

One headline reads: "As Vote For New President Nears Democracy Disappoints Nigerians." Well, join the club, Nigerians.

The sports section of newspapers these days always has a lot of stories about soccer. Most Americans don't really care about soccer. It's not as good a game as football. It's more popular around the world than football is because it's cheaper and easier, a soccer uniform, not counting shoes, costs a few dollars. A football uniform can cost several hundred dollars, not counting shoes.

One headline asks a question: "What Will Summer Bring At The Gas Pump?"

Now why would a newspaper ask a dumb question like that? Is there anyone alive who owns a car who doesn't know what will happen to gas prices this summer?

There are so many bad stories in the newspapers everyday. I don't know why I like reading them as much as I do.
Written By Andy Rooney