Those Cheatin' Newlyweds!
The honeymoon is over much more quickly for some newlyweds than you may think.
A new study shows more and more are cheating on their spouses.
"Last year," says Women's Health magazine, which reported on the study, "researchers at the University of Washington Center for the Study of Health and Risk Behaviors who analyzed data on infidelity taken from the General Social Survey found that roughly 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under age 35 copped to cheating on their spouses in 2006 (the latest figures available), up from 15 and 12 percent, respectively, 15 years earlier."
On The Early Show Saturday Edition, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. a relationship therapist, discussed the reasons for early infidelity, how to tell if you've got a potential cheater on your hands, and what to do about it.
Weil, who's written several books on cheating, including "Adultery: The Forgivable Sin," told co-anchor Erica Hill the numbers in the study are probably way too low.
Hill pointed out that those are the people who actually admit to it.
And Weil observed, "I would say it's probably more than half because, you know what happens: There's such a contrast and a letdown. Here you are in the honeymoon stage, when you're engaged, basking in those hormones and feeling so wonderful, and then, all of a sudden, smack, you go into a power struggle.
"Everyone that cheats has an intimacy problem," Weil continued. "If you think about it, infidelity is not about a decision-making process, but monogamy is a decision to stay faithful. And, if you're having an intimacy problem, you're not thinking clearly."
Why are more newlyweds cheating? "Because," Weil responded, "they have intimacy problems. They just didn't realize it. And the Internet doesn't help us."
Weil says there are early warning signs to be aware of: "If they have opposite sex friends, too many of them, that's a warning sign, that's a red flag. Also, are these friends cheating [as well]? Also, does your partner drink too much? Because that's a ... high, And when that's over, then they go to adultery, which gives you a high."
Heavy drinkers Weil explained, are "looking to self-medicate, and adultery is a high, like a narcotic love drug, actually.
"Also, the Internet is a sign, and I tell people to look at the cheat-o-gram, which is a family tree to see, three-generationally, what is the family doing. Is adultery part of that? And what is the belief of your partner -- does he or she think it's OK?"
And what if you spot signs that lead you to conclude your new spouse may have a roving eye, or worse?
Is there hope of heading off adultery?
"Absolutely," Weil asserted. ... My parents stayed together, and my father cheated. You have to do the work because, actually, it's a cry for help and it's a wake-up call. It's a dysfunctional attempt to try to stabilize the relationship."
"It's interesting," Hill remarked, "I feel as if all this stuff always comes back to communication issues, one of the most important things in a marriage."
The following is a more in-depth discussion Weil had with CBS News:
DO THOSE NUMBERS SURPRISE YOU?
Not at all. There is such a contrast between the honeymoon phase of a marriage and the marriage itself. When you're in the honeymoon phase, you have all these lovely endorphins in your brain, they make you feel the excitement and the pleasure of this new marriage. But then, when you actually get into the marriage, it goes immediately into the power struggle phase. We forget that marriage can be fun, and it can become a job, especially for men. The amount of intimacy that marriage calls for can also surprise newlyweds. People who are commitment-phobic will have an affair in the first year of their marriage. Newlyweds feel stressed, because they feel that they are losing themselves, suddenly it's about the "we" and not the "I". That's also tougher for men, who are mostly about the "I". Women are more about the "we". An affair can be an escape hatch, as well as an intimacy blocker. Remember, just because you're married, doesn't mean you're committed.
AND THESE NUMBERS SEEM TO BE RISING. WHY IS THAT?
For one thing, newlyweds aren't really newlyweds anymore. Millions of couples are living together before they get married. Of course, living together isn't the same thing as being married. Living together doesn't require the same intimacy level as marriage. It's a kind of "pseudo-intimacy" that even people who are potential cheaters can handle. Co-habiting doesn't require the same level of commitment as marriage. But the intimacy level rises when you get married. Also, we're all on the internet now, and that is one tool that makes it very easy to cheat. There is pornography, there are websites dedicated for finding partners for married people who want to cheat. If they go to the internet, they may feel they're not cheating, but it will eventually lead to sex.
WHAT IS IT THAT DRIVES PEOPLE TO CHEAT?
It's a lot of things: stress, marriage is stressful, you lose a part of yourself in it. A fear of intimacy, that power struggle, and that need to find the "high", if you will, that comes with a new relationship. Boredom is the biggest problem, the boredom that comes from the emptiness inside us, and the desire to fill it. And, the sex can start to feel stale early on without that rush that you feel when you first start seeing someone. You get to the stage where you are "comfortable", where you're content to sit in front of the television, eating popcorn, and that's great, but it is the opposite of passion. And, remember, in the first year of marriage, you don't have that much invested yet. It's a lot easier to bale, rather than face the problems and try to fix them. Remember, monogamy is a conscious decision to be faithful. If you're afraid of commitment, you can't make that decision.
IF IT CAN HAPPEN SO QUICKLY, IF YOUR PARTNER CAN START CHEATING WHILE YOU'RE STILL A NEWLYWED, IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN RECOGNIZE A POTENTIAL CHEATER BEFORE YOU WALK DOWN THE AISLE?
There are some signs that someone could be a cheater. First, do what I call a "cheat-o-gram". Take a look at your partner's family tree, and go back three generations. Was there cheating in his or her family? Do they have a lot of friends of the opposite sex? If a man says he has a lot of female friends, or a woman says she has a lot of male friends, that's a danger sign. More often than not that will lead to sex. What about his buddies, or her girlfriends? Do they hang with people who think this is ok? Find out how your potential partner's friends feel about infidelity. It will say a lot about his or her own attitudes toward it.
AND YOU SAY THERE ARE SIGNS THAT YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE IS CHEATING. YOU SAY FIRST, KEEP AN EYE ON THEIR EYES?
Yes, do they have a roving eye? You know, that look that they are undressing someone with their eyes?
NEXT YOU SAY, WATCH THEIR ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION.
Do they drink excessively? A person who drinks is lacking dopamine, a brain chemical that makes you feel high. When drinking no longer gives them the high they are looking for, they'll move on to adultery.
AND, YOU SAY AVOIDANCE IS A BAD SIGN.
Are they staying out late and distancing themselves from you, or avoiding you? That could be because they feel guilty. If they're not sharing things with you, not even little snippets of what happened in their day, that could be a sign that they're cheating.
(REVEAL: Is he/she avoiding you?)
FINALLY, YOU SAY, CHECK THEIR INTERNET HABITS.
Are they on the internet a lot? On the internet you don't even have to see the person you're cheating with, they have the perfect "pseudo-intimacy". If they're spending more time on something else, like the internet, work, friends, than you, that's cheating.
(REVEAL: Does he/she spend too much time on the internet?)
IF YOU ARE IN THAT NEWLYWED STAGE, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO KEEP CHEATING OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE?
First, you can recreate that high that you get early on in a relationship. When you hug, try a 20-second hug, a 30-second kiss. It produces those endorphins. Use verbal aphrodisiacs. Tell your partner how beautiful or handsome he or she is, or how good in bed. Say things to rev up those hormones. And make sex a priority, plan it, make it fun. Have an affair with your own partner. Plan "Fantasy Days" or "Fantasy Weekends". Each partner should take a turn planning it, but the other partner has to be warned, your job is to make sure you don't complain about any aspect of it. The idea is to recreate that high, so that each partner is getting what they need within the marriage, so they won't have to look outside. Remember, the passion dies if you don't recreate it.
AND IF YOUR PARTNER DOES CHEAT, IS THERE ANY WAY TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE? IS IT WORTH SAVING?
Yes. 98-percent of my clients stay together. There are even marriages that become stronger after an affair, because it can be a cry for help, a dysfunctional attempt at stabilizing a new marriage. But the cheater has to admit it, and stop. If you're in denial, or you try to blame your partner, there's little hope. I tell the adulterer that you're going to have darts thrown at you, and the betrayed, eventually, has to give up the grudge and learn to trust them again. And, if the cheater doesn't get it, you have to give them what I call a "brush with death", have their partner move out, leave them. When they see they have a chance of losing what they have, they'll stop. And it's up to the betrayer to help the partner through, by being patient and letting them go through the obsession and the grieving. In the end, only 5% to 10% of cheaters end up with their lover. They really are in love with their partner. We live in a society where we want quick fixes. There are no quick fixes for this.
DR. BONNIE, ON CHEATING, OR NOT: