'The Last Self-Help Book'

The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need: Repress Your Anger, Think Negatively, Be a Good Blamer & Throttle Your Inner Child
by Paul Pearsall

A Science of Well-Being
Life used to be so simple before we all
started reading about how to live it.
Ben Wyld

SELF-HELPLESS
Sixteen years ago, I was gravely ill with Stage IV lymphoma. I feared I was going to die, my doctors thought I would, and my family did all they could to avoid accepting that I would. In a clinical sense, I did "die"; my vital signs were so weak that life was barely sustained.

Like many critically ill people, I panicked. I wanted a sure guide, a plan for healing, a way to help myself both physically and mentally. Even though I had been a scientist and clinical psychologist for almost twenty years, the terror of my illness caused me to seek the kind of certainty that scientifically based psychology seldom offers. I wanted something—anything—that could help me retain control of my destiny. I abandoned my scientific thinking in favor of slickly packaged promises and programs that offered exactly what I wanted to hear. I entered the world of self-help.

The seductiveness of self-help books appealed not just to me but to my friends and family, all of whom were desperate to help me. Almost every day, I was presented with another new program or technique, and I ended up with more than fifty half-read how-to-heal books and tapes shoved under my bed, each to be displayed when the person who sent it visited. The books actually began to interfere with the operation of my hospital bed.

But strangely, the more self-help ideas I was given when I was sick, the more pressured and helpless I began to feel. What's wrong with me? I wondered. All this tried-and-true wisdom and I can't benefit from it? Why did the philosophy behind self-help seem so obvious to everyone but me? With all the pain and death surrounding me on the cancer ward, the prescriptions for a positive attitude, for mind over matter, and for unwavering hope began to ring hollow and to feel almost sacrilegious. The self-help mantras were failing to provide the three things I needed most: meaning, comprehension, and management. Traditional psychology has shown that this is what constitutes the sense of coherence essential to real self-help. Why couldn't I do what millions of self-helpers said they did? Was I a self-help failure?

When a nurse said, "These books are really getting in the way," the metaphor was not lost on me.
FAST FOOD FOR THE HUNGRY SOUL
The self-help genre is based on applying sound psychological principles to our daily lives—based, in other words, on science. But in recent years it has become its own industry, dislodging itself from that firm anchor. Research-based psychology is being ignored. Psychotherapy is now almost exclusively for those who are "really sick," and self-help serves the masses of "worried well" as a psycho-morality of living, loving, and working. We are all looking for the "good life," but we have become psychologically myopic. The tenets of self-help are now so ubiquitous that they are no longer questioned: Everyone—from politicians and professors, from teachers to talk-show hosts—parrots the platitudes of self-empowerment as if they were every bit as scientifically tested as the laws of physics. But, as I will show, they are not only wrong, they are harmful. The unsubstantiated prescriptions, programs, guarantees, and gurus of self-help stand in the way of our fulfilling our true potential for satisfaction and happiness.

I present a "Facts of Life" test to audiences made up of people who voraciously consume self-help books. I've collected their answers over the years; I've also given the test to researchers in psychology, psychiatry, and medicine so that they can compare their answers to those of the average self-help reader. Their answers are revealing. Try it yourself, and then I'll explain.

The test is only twenty questions; check statements that you think lead to a healthy, happy life:
1. ___ We must never lose hope.
2. ___ We should be forgiving and never judgmental.
3. ___ Childhood experiences determine adult feelings and
behavior.
4. ___ True love should be unconditional.
5. ___ A positive attitude heals and a negative attitude can make you sick.
6. ___ Winners never quit and quitters never win.
7. ___ High self-esteem is essential to mental health.
8. ___ Grief counseling is helpful for major life losses.
9. ___ Living in denial is unhealthy.
10. ___ Most people are addicted to something.
11. ___ Being in "recovery" from an addiction is a lifelong process.
12. ___ Regular vigorous exercise is essential for a long life.
13. ___ If you pick the right diet and have enough willpower, you will be the weight you want to be.
14. ___ Most people with heart disease risk factors such as obesity, high blood pressure, and addiction to smoking will eventually have a heart attack or stroke, and most people who have none of the known heart disease risk factors will not have a heart attack or stroke.
15. ___ You have unlimited personal power. If you want something badly enough and put your mind to it, you can achieve it.
16. ___ You can't love someone else until you first learn to love yourself.
17. ___ Being codependent is a sign of personal weakness.
18. ___ We must get in touch with our feelings and act on them.
19. ___ Feeling guilt and shame is unhealthy.
20. ___ Lasting relationships require a lot of verbal communication.

The average score on this test was 18, and nearly half of those who took the test agreed with all twenty statements. But what if the exact opposite of each of these statements were true? This book presents solid research evidence that suggests that this is so. The best score should in fact be 0! And, indeed, twenty researchers from the fields of psychology, psychiatry, and medicine all scored exactly that.
QUESTIONING THE "FACTS"
Begin by asking yourself these crucial questions:

Do You Really Feel That Worthless? The starting point of self-help is the conviction that we need it. That we are afflicted with an epidemic of low self-regard is widely discussed and widely accepted. Melody Beattie, the author of the mega-seller Codependent No More, wrote, "We all suffer from that vague but penetrating affliction, low self-worth." Her advice? "Stop torturing ourselves, start raising our view of ourselves, and right now, give ourselves a big emotional and mental hug." Surely Ms. Beattie uses the inclusive second person "we" out of compassionate solidarity, because if her program works, she must now totally and completely adore herself.

My book suggests that most of us don't really think all that badly of ourselves in the first place, unless, of course, someone keeps nagging us that we should. In fact, most of the problems we think we have stem from too much self-focus rather than too little. I've found that the best cure for hypochondria is to take a patient's mind off his own wellness and direct it to someone else's.

Is Self-Esteem Really the Gold Standard of Mental Health? An extension of the "low self-worth" assumption, enhancing self-esteem has become one of self-help's greatest and grandest goals. As expressed by Matthew McKay in his book Self-Esteem, "Self-esteem is essential for psychological survival." McKay offered no proof of any kind to support this statement. Although having a decent opinion of oneself is no doubt important, research shows that high self-esteem relates to health problems and stress. Moreover, mass murderers, gang leaders, and even playground bullies are distinguishable not by their low opinion of themselves (the low opinion that is alleged to lead them to prove their worth through violence) but instead by their inflated self-esteem and disregard for others.

Must You Love Yourself Before You Can Love Another? Another of the central assumptions of the self-help movement holds that before having any sort of romantic relationship, you must first learn to love yourself. As Whitney Houston asserted in the song that has become a veritable self-help anthem, "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." In his best-seller Love 101: To Love Oneself Is the Beginning of a Lifelong Romance, Peter McWilliams asked, "Who else knows what you want, precisely when you want it, and is always around to supply it?" His answer? "You!" Melody Beattie's Have a Love Affair with Yourself contains the same message. In her best-seller Letting Go of Stress, self-help guru and personal-power retreat leader Jackie Schwartz gave this advice: "Write a love letter to yourself and tell yourself all the attributes you cherish about yourself, the things that really please, comfort, and excite you." My book holds that the opposite is true, that loving others makes us more love-worthy and lovable and presents research that demonstrates the importance of loving others first.

Is Being Judgmental Bad for You? Graduates of self-help schooling must not only be in perpetual self-enhancement mode, they also must be nonjudgmental. Self-Esteem author Matthew McKay wrote, "You must give up your opinions about the actions of others. Don't make moral judgments. People are doing the best they can." As with all self-help premises, there is a kernel of truth about the importance of avoiding snap judgments, but I argue that making moral judgments about others and ourselves is essential to mental and social well-being as well as spiritual and moral growth.

Is It Harmful to Feel Guilty or to Worry? In Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne Dyer called guilt and worry "useless, unnatural emotions." He wrote, without a shred of research support, "You can look at your guilt either as reactions to leftover imposed standards in which you are still trying to please an absent authority figure, or as the result of trying to live up to self-imposed standards. In either case, it is stupid, and more important, useless behavior." I beg to differ. Guilt and worry are natural and necessary evolutionary responses. If our ancestors had not had them, we wouldn't be here today. Vigilance for what might go wrong and reflection about what did go wrong allowed our ancestors to survive. This book challenges this self-help philosophy and presents evidence that the happiest, healthiest people are, in fact, guilty worriers.

So why is it that fallacious ideas have been so widely and willingly accepted? First, I suspect, because academic psychology, with its focus on pathology, has not been much help to people meeting the challenges of everyday life. Moreover, these days, Freud's goal of "normal neurosis" doesn't appeal to us. We want to be free of neurosis.

From the book, "The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need: Repress Your Anger, Think Negatively, Be a Good Blamer & Throttle Your Inner Child" by Paul Pearsall; Copyright (c) 2005. Reprinted by arrangement with Basic Books, a member of the Perseus Books Group. All rights reserved.
Basic Books, a member of the Perseus Books Group. All rights reserved