Sibling relationships can be challenging. Try this expert advice to rebuild ties and grow closer.
Sibling relationships can be complicated.
While lots of thought is given to fostering friendships and romantic partnerships, sibling relationships are often put on the back burner despite their presence in many people's lives.
Other than parents, siblings are typically your longest relationship, and if you're close enough in age where you grew up together, they're also often your first playmates and shape your peer world, explains Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, licensed family and sibling therapist based in Maryland.
"Whether you like them or not, they're there," Lewis says. "You are somebody's sister, somebody's brother — that becomes embedded in the essence of who you are."
But despite the unique role you play in each other's lives growing up, in adulthood those relationships can grow distant or strained for a variety of reasons, from feelings of parental favoritism to being stuck in frozen images of what you were like as a child.
There are steps that can help you move through these challenges.
In honor of National Siblings Day, celebrated on April 10 to highlight the value of siblings, Lewis shared her thoughts on ways to repair the relationship and grow closer to your sibling.
Assess where you're at: If there's tension between you and your sibling, Lewis first suggests reaching out to better understand why things have gotten to this point.
"I would suggest writing a letter or an email and saying, 'I really want to understand why you were so angry at me. And I'm going to listen, I'm not going to be defensive. I'm not going to respond. I just want to understand your perspective of why you're mad at me.' "
Being the one to open up the conversation is important because it allows them to be heard — and "everybody wants to be heard," Lewis explains.
If you get a response, that's a good indicator to move forward with a conversation. If not, the person may not be ready — and that's OK.
Lewis says to remember that timing is a factor. If you're serious about pursuing a closer relationship, you can always try again.
"Many people tell me, 'I cut off my siblings. I will never speak to her again,' or, 'I tried. I put out an olive branch, and she turned me down or he didn't want to talk to me. That's it.' Well, it's not. Give it a year. Give it six months."
Create a "taboo list": Heard of "agree to disagree"? That can be useful with siblings, too.
Sometimes opinions clash, but that doesn't mean it has to jeopardize the relationship, Lewis says. Instead, she suggests creating a "taboo list" of topics you agree not to bring up when you're with that person.
Such topics might include parents and siblings who aren't present, politics, religion, money and any other "problem topics."
"If everything that you currently talk about is toxic (and) causes problems, yet you still want to be connected, you will evolve," she says.
Ease in: When reconnecting with a sibling, don't expect to dive in head first — instead dip your toe, approaching it with slower, manageable pace.
For example, instead of sitting down for a lunch where your taboo topics may easily arise, Lewis suggests doing something more active like a museum or movie, where the whole focus isn't on your conversation.
"I always say, you want to leave a party while you're still having a good time," Lewis says. "That's why I say start with 30 minutes, 40 minutes. If it goes well, do it again until it begins to feel safer."
For those looking for support throughout this journey, seeking professional help can also be useful, Lewis adds, no matter how close or distant the siblings might be.
