Romance On The Web

Years ago, people found dates and prospective mates at school, at work, through friends, or just by running into them by accident. That was back in the years B.C., Before Computers. Now, computer dating sites are extremely popular. But even if they work, are they preferable to meeting people the old fashioned way?

EHarmony.com claims that 30,000 couples have gotten married as a result of meeting on their site. (Of course, there are millions of people who have gotten married without going on a dating site.) There are many online dating services, some catering specifically to people of a certain religion or ethnic background. For some online services, you have to answer hundreds of questions. Some of the dating services claim to be "scientific." Reducing love to science has been repudiated in many romantic comedy movies involving a scientist who falls in love in spite of him- or herself. But I guess some people just haven't been paying attention. Chemistry.com was started by Helen Fisher who is something called a bioanthropologist. She seems to believe that love can be boiled down to brain chemistry. The first question on her site has to do with whether your second or your fourth finger is longer. According to Fisher, if your fourth finger is longer, this means that you were awash with testosterone while your mother was pregnant with you. But it's not clear if that means your life partner should be someone with a similar ring finger longy or with a pointer longy.

Assuming that both people are telling the truth about themselves, it's fairly easy for a computer to match people with similar interests. But do similarities attract or do opposites attract? The answer, obviously, is that it varies from couple to couple. We all know happy couples who have nothing in common and we all know couples who share all kinds of interests. So how does a dating computer handle that reality?

One of the goals of these services seems to be speed. The assumption is that busy professionals don't have the time to go out on a bunch of dates with losers. Let the computer weed out the Mr. and Ms. Wrongs, and you just go out with the ones you're more likely to hit it off with.

I have a feeling there are many people who, if their friends call to ask them out for the evening, they'd reply, "I can't. I'm going to be up all night filling out my online dating questionnaire." Wouldn't all those hours they spend checking boxes and typing out their favorite foods be better spent outside of the house where they might actually meet someone in person?

Besides, I'm not so sure if the goal should be somebody you hit it off with right away. While there are many stories of love at first sight, there are at least as many about people who hated each other at first. Once again, we only need to look to most romantic comedies for collaboration. After a disastrous meeting, the couple gets to know each other, and then they realize they're in love. You must know people that this has happened to.

I wouldn't be married to my wife of 35 years if I had given up after the first time she told me she wanted to be "just friends." But I badgered her and wore her down. That was part of the courtship process. How does badgering fit in with digital dating today? Is it becoming a lost art? Is there a "Come on. You'll like me once you really get to know me" box to check?

Now there's a new on-line service to help daters. It's called Don'tDateHimGirl.com. It's a site that lists men who are known to have cheated on their girlfriends. If a woman has a bad experience with a cheater, she can register his name and photograph with the Web site, and, presumably, other women won't get hurt as she did. Yikes! Shouldn't we hear the cheater's side of the story before he's blasted all over cyberspace? And if this service is needed, shouldn't there also be a Don'tDateHerGuys.com to help protect men from cheating women?

Reputable E-dating services warn that a person has to be patient, has to have realistic expectations, and has to use his or her instincts. Isn't that the same advice you'd give someone using more old-fashioned dating methods? If they're going to do all that, why do they need a computer dating service? But of course, that's just my opinion. I'm no expert. I'm just a guy who's been married a long time, has seen lots of movies, and whose second finger is slightly longer than his fourth.

By Lloyd Garver