I get a lot of Christmas catalogs with hundreds of gift ideas in them and I like getting them because there are always a lot of ideas for things I don't want.
Brookstone says they'll give me $20 free if I buy $100 worth of there stuff. Why don't they just charge me $80 for it?
Wisteria says if I spend $200 they'll give me 20 percent off my next order. Wait right there, Wisteria.
"Over 450 Great Gifts Under $30." Maybe I'll take one of each of those. Would that be just $30?
"Highlights," whatever "Highlights" is, says it'll give you a 2009 hidden pictures calendar with every order. I'd want to see a couple of the hidden pictures first. What would a "hidden picture" be anyway?
"Museum Store" I guess they sell museums. Maybe I'll buy a couple of museums.
Holiday jewelry. This is a Sears Catalog. Sears, what ever happened to Roebuck? You never hear "Sears Roebuck" anymore.
Call if you're out there, Roebuck.
Another catalog offers free fudge. I haven't had any good fudge in years and I doubt I'd like their free fudge either. Free is the worst kind of fudge.
One ad says, "These cocktail napkins made us laugh out loud." One of the last things I want is a funny cocktail napkin. Just give me the drink, please.
There's a pair of marshmallow roasters. I like roasting marshmallows, but I don't have a fire very often.
Now this is something I'd really like one of, two maybe: a "pocket sized" germ eliminating light. I've always wanted a pocket-sized light that would eliminate germs. It's guaranteed to eliminate 99.9 percent of all bacteria. Maybe one of my kids will give me this for Christmas. They're good to me.
I like Christmas presents. My father and mother gave me a train when I was 12 that actually ran on a track. Maybe that was the best gift I ever got. Don't give me anything this year, though. The chances are, if I want it, I already bought it.
Written by Andy Rooney