Keeping Kellogg On The Sugar Train

Earlier this month, Kellogg
announced it had seen the light and decided it would implement standards for sugar, salt and fat content in the products it markets to children. In other words, no more Toucan Sam undermining your parental authority to keep your kids away from ultra-sweet nothings in a box.

Kellogg says it will either change recipes or stop marketing these products to kids. But that doesn't mean they'll stop making them. So what's a huge processed food manufacturer to do with all that fatty, salty, sweet goodness? It seems only natural to market the stuff to adults.

Looking over the product list, I've found a few items that could flourish if the right demographic is targeted.

For the 21-45, male, Netflix-addicted, bong-toting Dungeons and Dragons master, I recommend the following ad copy:

If you thought your multicolored, artificially flavored multigrain cereal couldn't get any better, prepare to have your mind blown. Take a gander at Kellogg's Marshmallow Froot Loops. The benevolent brain trust at Kellogg has disrupted the doughnut-shaped monotony with crazy marshmallow shapes, guaranteed to stay fresh in milk through the last line of expert commentary from the "Heavy Metal (Collectors Edition)" DVD. They're sweeter than a loaded pair of 12-sided dice.
Sophisticated women can become loyal members of the Kellogg product club:
Every woman loves a splash of mystery when she least expects it. Ladies, let your mouth experience a burst of intriguing flavors from a sack of Kellogg's Yogos Bits Watermelon Splash. Its bouquet is fruity and sharp, with melon overtones. But how could that be with almost no natural fruit ingredients in the recipe? We'll never tell. Discover the mystery of the splash.
And for the young, affluent, single, African-American man:
It's Friday night and you've put in a hard week at the office, now you want a little sugar. How about nearly 20 grams of the good stuff? Wrap your hands around a warm and tasty Kellogg's Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate toaster pastry. And if a coco-complected dopalicious angel raps at your domicile — fear not, brother. It's two to a pouch. There's plenty of this chocolate to go around.
Just because these snacks don't pass muster with kids, there's no reason not to push the healthy angle:
"I knew something just wasn't right, so I went to my doctor. He said I needed more niacin in my diet. I was surprised to learn there was a great source of it right in my cupboard — Kellogg's Crunchmania Cinnamon Bun Graham Snacks. With 15 percent of the niacin I need, it's a great way to start the day. And with one gram of fiber, it gives me just enough push to get going in the morning. Thanks, Crunchmania, for keeping me healthy and regular."
And for the mommy crowd:
If you're pregnant or plan to become pregnant here's something you need to know: To help ward off certain birth defects pediatricians recommend a daily dose of folic acid. And Kellogg's Rice Krispies Treats Caramel Chocolatey Chunk bars can be a great way to make sure you get it. With 6 percent of the recommended daily allowance of folic acid, just 17 bars can satisfy your daily requirement. You'll also be getting more than 50 grams of rich saturated fat, that's the good (tasting) kind. When you're eating for two, it's reassuring to know there's a chocolatey caramel bar that's looking out for you, and your baby.
Why am I bothering to find ways to save these nutritionally challenged items? While they may not go down as culinary treasures, if Kellogg lets these products fade into oblivion we may be losing some amazing feats of chemistry. I'm sure a hundred years ago, no one thought the American public would eat compounds like disodium phosphate, maltodextrin, polysorbate 60, sorbitan monostearate. Now they're asking for seconds.


Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.

If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.