How To Discipline Your Kid's Pal
Getting your own children to stop teasing, talking back, and leaving their toys everywhere is tough enough. But what if their friends, cousins, or complete strangers misbehave when you're on the scene?
In Monday's Perfect Parenting segment, The Early Show gets some great tips on how to handle the situation from Diane Debrovner, the senior editor at Parents magazine.
The key, Debrovner says is to keep in mind that the word discipline means "to teach," not "to punish." She says your goal is to make sure all the kids learn the rules for proper behavior and can get along nicely.
Here are Debrovner's Do's:
1. Do stick to house rules.
If a child and his friend are misbehaving (throwing a ball in house, for example), parents are often afraid to speak up to enforce house rules because they're afraid their child's friend will think they're too strict and not want to come over to play again. But not saying anything sends a mixed message to your child who knows he can't do something, but a friend can get away with it.
Just say simply, "Boys, we don't play ball inside at our house because something might break," and give them other options of how they can play (roll ball, play outside, choose another toy).
2. Do agree on a group strategy.
If you have a regular playgroup with young children, it's important to be sure all parents on are the SAME page concerning discipline. It's common for kids to misbehave -- grab toys, push or hit. Some parents want their children to learn how to handle other kids' aggressive behavior, so they might not intervene unless it gets violent. This may not work for you. So you really need to discuss strategy with the other parents. Parents should discuss in advance how to handle situations like this.
Questions to consider:
3. Do think twice before disciplining relatives.
If you think it's hard to deal with stranger's children, relatives are even harder. Relatives can be particularly sensitive when you criticize their kids. Make sure you give the parents the chance to deal with the situation themselves first. But if they don't, which is often the case, step in only when you think it's really important.
If your nephew is teaching your child dirty words, you can say, "Sorry, but that's not a word we use in our house." That way, both boys get the message. But if your nephew constantly interrupts adult conversations, that's not something you need to speak up about, even if you expect that your own kids will wait until adults are finished talking before asking a question. However, if you're discussing a topic that's inappropriate for the kids to hear, just say "I don't think we should talk about this now, let's wait until the kids aren't around."
4. Do step in if a child or an animal could get hurt.
If a child is really in danger of getting hurt, you should step in immediately. If it's a little child, you can literally pick him up and move him out of harm's way. Similarly, if an animal is in danger of being hurt, you should step in, even if the kids taunting the animal are strangers. Just removing the child or animal from the harmful situation is the best way to handle this. Yelling probably won't help because sometimes that might incite the other kids.
The one situation where it's tricky to step in is if you see a parent hurting her child (slapping at the supermarket, for example). You don't want to embarrass the parent, who may then get more worked up and take it out on her child even more.
Try to assess if the child seems like he's a victim of repeated abuse, and if so, contact store manager or police. If it seems like a one time thing, it's better to be compassionate and offer to help. You might say, "It looks like you're having a rough time. Do you need a break? I'll watch your child for a few minutes."
Equally important are some key don'ts according to Debrovner:
1. Don't jump in too quickly.
If no one is danger of getting hurt, wait a few minutes to see if the kids can work out the situation themselves. If the misbehaving child's parent is there, wait to see if she's going to do anything before you step in.
2. Don't be judgmental when disciplining a child.
Rather than using the word "you" ("You're being naughty!" or "You're being too rough!") phrase it in a more neutral way, like "No one likes to get pushed. Can we play a little more nicely so no one gets hurt?" You want the child to learn rules -- not assess blame. This is important to keep in mind when you speak to other parents about their child's behavior.
For example, if your child's playmate is constantly jumping on the beds, you should mention to the parent that you're considered about Johnny's safety, not that Johnny does not listen to your rules.
Remember this rule also when you do see a child, for instance, being handled roughly by their parent. Even though it's not condoned, many people still use physical punishment. So you must not be judgmental, because it might just be an isolated event. Also, unfortunately, saying something to the mother may make matters worse.
3. Don't punish.
Avoid giving time-outs or taking away a possession or privilege unless you're babysitting for a friend and have her permission to do so. Discipline is again about teaching rules. It is not your role to punish other person's child. Everyone varies on the view on punishment, so this is definitely something you want to avoid.
4. Don't ever hit or spank.
No matter what, don't ever hit or spank. It might be okay for you to spank your own child, but those are your rules. You should never assume that is okay to apply that rule to another child.