Helping MC Rove Get A Bird In Hand

Karl Rove can't stop making headlines at these D.C. correspondent dinners.

Last month MC Rove got his

on at the Radio and Television Correspondents dinner (did he not know there was a camera on him?) and this weekend he had an impromptu face-off with singer Sheryl Crow and producer Laurie David over global warming at the White House Correspondents Association dinner.

Rove said: "She came over to insult me, and she succeeded."

Now Karl, surely you realize that ladies are attracted to power. And as I learned from Holly Hutchcraft in the third grade, sometimes when a female says mean things, she's actually really, really into you. That Sheryl Crow is quite a catch, so you need to dust off you mic and drop some lyrics on her. I'm giving you these rhymes to ease the tension for the next run-in. Feel free to memorize them, or just use them as bullet points if you prefer to kick freestyle.

Yo, yo, yo Sheryl,
You don't like guns, you ain't seen my barrel.
I'll get you back that bra that you done burned
and have you wishin' Roe v. Wade was overturned.

I'm the love architect
rolling with the GOP sect.
I'll keep your cancer in check
so wrap your hands 'round big Rove like a guitar neck.

Girl, it's all about loyalty
I like you Bushie, not pushy
so keep the peace talk on the Q. T.
and don't be comfortin' the enemy.

You should know this
I answer to POTUS
but we can hit the center aisle and play
I'll meet your Green friends
we'll barbeque with Minute Men
and drive to church in a Hummer on Earth Day.

We'll hit the White House Ball, I'll get you seated.
I got a dress code 'cause it's needed.
I like dem skirts knee-length and pleated.
Don't feel defeated
'cause Lance Armstrong cheated.
Text me your secrets, I'll make sure they're deleted.

You can talk up the '06 Congress switch
I'll bring my '09 game and flip the script
That's a double entendre.
My rhymes are smoother than prune juice though Peter Fonda.

So what you say Sheryl,
you wanna push up on me like Pat Fitzgerald?
I'll work it easy like the CAFE standards for domestic cars.
Then make you sweat like a polar bear in ANWR.

So drop a dime on the New York Times
just to let them know.
Big and bold above the fold,
tonight Ole Karl is eating Crow.

Actually Karl, I just Google-stalked you and Wikipedia says you're married. My bad, and apologies to your wife. Maybe with a few tweaks you can work those rhymes on her.

Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.

If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.