Monica Lewinsky considered President Clinton "my sexual soulmate" until long periods of inattention made it painfully clear that their relationship would not last. "I feel disposable, used, and insignificant," she said in a handwritten note to the president.
|Our Full Coverage|
of this Ongoing Story
Hundreds of pages of documents released by Congress Monday reveal the depth of Lewinsky's feelings for Mr. Clinton, a married man more than twice her age.
|Read Monica Lewinsky's grand jury testimony|
The mountains of paperwork unveiled Monday shows that even before Lewinsky began cooperating with Kenneth Starr, she provided prosecutors with a roadmap of the relationship.
Lewinsky circled dates in her pocket calendar every time she met or talked to Mr. Clinton. Her home computer's memory was filled with letters, some never sent to the president and her friends. By the time she first testified, prosecutors had compiled for grand jurors a lengthy chart detailing the affair.
She called it "the highlights of my relationship with the president."
The chart outlined the affair with shorthand notations, such as "non-verbal connection" on Aug. 9, 1995 and "pizza night" Nov. 17, 1995.
"I knew I was in love with him...and I thought he cared about me," she testified.
"Bill, I love you with all my heart," she wrote in 1997.
"Please be nice to me... Please be my friend," she wrote Nov. 12, 1997, pleading for him to let them get together.
"I've always felt that he was sort of my sexual soulmate," she testified.
Again and again it's the same: "You looked gorgeous... simply delicious... I'm tired of crying... I love you... "
Asked if Mr. Clinton ever asked her to deny their affair, she said that wasn't necessary. "I would always protect him," she said.
When the former White House intern finally realized the affair was over, she grew bitter. Underlining every word, she wrote to Mr. Clinton in June 1997, "Please do not do this to me. I feel disposable, used, and insignificant."/b>
"I believe the time has finally come for me to throw in the towel," she said in another note found on her computer. "I give up. You let me down, but I shouldn't have trusted you in the first place."
Following his Aug. 17 address to the nation confessing the affair, Lewinsky told grand jurors that Mr. Clinton seemed to dismiss their relations as a "service contract."
Among her other observations, Lewinsky said:
- They didn't have sex in the Oval Office itself because "it wouldn't be appropriate, you know."
- White House aides tried to keep her away from Mr. Clinton because they were "aware of his weaknesses."
- One grand juror chastised the former intern, saying Lewinsky had an affair with a married man before Mr. Clinton.
"And you turn around and do it again," said the grand juror, who was not identified. "You're young. You're vibrant. I can't figure out why you keep going after things that aren't free, that aren't obtainable."
Written by Ron Fournier