[Warning: This post contains spoilers for Sunday's "Game of Thrones" episode, "The Mountain and the Viper."]
Well, that's something we can't unsee.
Sunday's "Game of Thrones" episode culminated in the epic, brutal battle between Prince Oberyn Martell, aka the Red Viper of Dorne, and Ser Gregor Clegane, aka The Mountain, aka the most formidable killer in the Seven Kingdoms.
The battle, and its holy-cow-is-this-really-happening outcome were saved for the very end of the episode, so let's get through everything else that happened first.
In Molestown, Gilly hasn't gotten the warmest welcome at the brothel Sam dropped her at for safekeeping. But when the village comes under attack from the Wilding army, it's not so safe anymore. Innocent people are being killed left and right but when she comes upon Gilly and her baby, she spares them and moves on. (The end of that scene, seeing blood drip through the ceiling above, might be the worst thing we saw all night -- until the battle, of course.)
We then head over to Meereen, where Grey Worm spots Missandei as she's bathing, and apparently likes what he sees. Whether or not the Unsullied lose "the pillar and the stones" when they are castrated, as Daenerys wonders later, it looks like there's a budding romance here -- he tells Missandei that if he was never castrated, he wouldn't be here with her right now. Guess these two will be continuing Grey Worm's English lessons?
Later in the episode, Ser Jorah comes face to face with a very-pissed-off Dany, who's leaned he had once spied on her for Varys. He begs for forgiveness, even playing the "I love you" card, but she's not having it and banishes the man who had (until now) been one of her most trusted advisers.
"I do not want you in my city dead or alive," she tells him. "Don't ever presume to touch me again or speak my name."
At Moat Cailin, Theon/Reek has to pretend to be his old self again in order to secure this castle for his captor and tormentor, Ramsay Snow. Theon talks the talk and gets the men to surrender in exchange for their lives, but as we all now by now, Ramsay isn't one for niceties -- he not only kills those men, but tortures and flays them too. And, for securing this important Northern castle, Roose Bolton gives his bastard son a massive reward: his father's name. Ramsay Snow is now officially Ramsay Bolton, and stands to inherit the North. Couldn't have happened to a more terrible person!
And in the Eyrie, we see the fallout from Crazy Aunt Lysa's little trip through the Moon Door the other week. Littlefinger, facing questioning over her death, claims Lysa committed suicide. They called Sansa as a witness, believing her to be Littlefinger's niece. She apologizes to Littlefinger and says she has to tell them the truth, and she does -- but also doesn't. She reveals her true identity as Sansa Stark of Winterfell, and details how she was smuggled out of King's Landing and came to the Vale, but then twists the truth to back up Littlefinger's story about Lysa booking her own one-way trip through the Moon Door. She knows exactly what she's doing here -- Littlefinger is a much better person to have as an ally than an enemy, and she's keeping it that way.
Later, Littlefinger speaks with Lord Robin about sending him away from the Eyrie and out into the world. As they're talking, Sansa comes down the stairs -- and she's transformed into a sleeker, sultrier Sansa with a new outfit, darker hair and a confident air about her.
Meanwhile, The Hound and Arya have also reached the Eyrie, putting her once again thisclose to reuniting with one of her siblings. But this is "Game of Thrones," so don't expect any happy family get-togethers. A guard tells them her Aunt Lysa died just days ago, and Arya....laughs. But can you blame her? Everything bad that can happen to this poor girl, does.
And finally, we arrive in King's Landing for the Viper/Mountain battle. After a bit of brotherly bonding between Tyrion and Jamie talking about a cousin who loved to crush beetles, it's time for the main event. The Mountain is humongous and swinging a massive sword, but Oberyn is smaller and quicker so it's a more even matchup that it seems at first glance. Heading in, the Viper is confident: "Today is not the day I die," he says.
The fight begins and Oberyn darts around quickly, taunting The Mountain with a revenge mantra like Inigo Montoya in "The Princess Bride" -- "You raped my sister. You murdered her. You killed her children." All that's missing is the "prepare to die."
After some nail-biting back-and-forth, the cocky Oberyn stabs him clean through and The Mountain falls to the ground. He circles The Mountain and continues to press for the confession he wants so badly, and that's when things go downhill quickly and terribly. He grabs Oberyn's leg and gets him off balance, knocks all the teeth out of his mouth and gouges his fingers into his eyes. The Mountain confesses to his crimes, and then -- it makes me cringe to even type this -- crushes Oberyn's head as if it's a grape.
Cersei seems satisfied. Tyrion is stunned. And their father, Tywin, stands up and says this outcome means Tyrion has been found guilty and sentenced to death.
Tell us: What did you think of the Mountain vs. Viper battle?