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From Sex To Surgery

With all the rushing around we do in the holiday season, we sometimes miss important news stories. With that in mind, I bring you the following report which should get you up to date as we say "goodbye" to 2002.

Love And Money: German playboy and disco magnate Rolf Eden, 72, has offered more than $250,000 to any woman who will have sex with him until he dies from it. In order to get the money, Herr Eden must die from a heart attack in the woman's arms. It gives new meaning to the term "killer sex."

Mideast Solution: Under Saudi Arabia's strict interpretation of Islam, women are generally barred from being salespeople. So, they have to buy their underwear from men. Understandably, many women are embarrassed and humiliated by the idea of being fitted by a man, so they just guess at their size, grab a bra, and get out of the store as fast as they can. According to an expert interviewed by The New York Times, about 85 percent of Saudi women are walking around wearing the wrong size bra. Presumably, this uncomfortable situation exists in other countries in the region. No wonder there's always such unrest there. If almost half our population were running around with ill-fitting underwear, how happy would our country be? Instead of dropping leaflets (or bombs), we should be dropping millions of bras on the region. The women will be happier, so the men will be happier, and maybe everybody will be a little more peaceful. These women obviously need support.

Medicine: A Boston orthopedic surgeon left a patient for 35 minutes with an open incision during a spinal fusion procedure. The doctor explained that he needed to cash a check at a nearby bank. There is no truth to the rumor that hospitals are thinking about installing ATMs in their operating rooms.

When In Romania: One thousand workers at a Romanian car factory are trying to help bail out their debt-ridden employer. They are doing so by donating sperm to a fertility clinic in return for payment. Each "donation" brings in about $50. Since the auto plant's debts are about $20 million, I doubt the men will have enough energy left over to work on cars.

The President: The White House announced that President Bush sent out 1.2 million Christmas cards this year. I assume some Democrats will claim that he really sent out only 1.1 million cards, while some Florida Republicans will say the number was 12 million.

Out There Department: Television game shows are getting more and more outrageous and ridiculous. As if millionaires, bachelors, fear, and idols weren't enough, now a new Russian game show will award the winner with a chance to journey to space. It's only appropriate that contestants on these kinds of shows go where there is no intelligent life.

The Big Story: Researchers in Great Britain have finally determined that there is absolutely no correlation between the size of a man's feet and the size of his penis. However, there is a correlation between the size of a man's feet and the size of his shoes.

Worst Public Relations Of The Year: Paul McCartney announced that he would like to change the credits on some classic Beatle songs so that they would be "McCartney-Lennon" instead of "Lennon-McCartney." Soon after this, I hope that McCartney realized he had placed his mouth in his foot.

Television News: MTV/VH1 cancelled a reality show starring Liza Minnelli and her husband David Gest. The show was supposed to follow the couple around as they went about their daily business. It was cancelled before even one episode had aired. Maybe there is hope for our civilization after all.

Happy Holidays!

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.

By Lloyd Garver