There's a very high class shop round the corner here called Fortnum and Mason... the kind of place where the Queen does her shopping... which is advertising for a new chocolate taster. It pays $55,000 a year to travel the world and eat chocolate... much as you like... more the better.
Well I am their man.
Chocolate, I love it. I'm what they call a chocaholic. I'd happily eat my way through this lot at one sitting. Imagine doing that for a living. I love chocolate so much I'll even eat a Hershey bar... well, some of it anyway. Truth is, I'm afraid, your chocolate is not to my taste. What I like is Cadbury's or Twix or Aero... that's the one with air bubbles, obviously good if you're worried about the calories. And what about this - The Wispa Bar? Heaven.
Only one problem with this English chocolate, most of it is very bad for you. ..it makes you fat and rots your teeth. It's 80 percent sugar, saturated vegetable fat and powdered milk. Only 20 percent cocoa. So I have a problem. I can't eat American chocolate and I musn't eat English chocolate.
The answer is what the purists call: fine chocolate. It's mostly cocoa, with only a little bit of sugar. It's even got this magic ingredient phenyl ethyl amine, which has aphrodisiac qualities, it says here... and it cures hangovers. Sounds the business. Is there a catch? Well, possibly. The problem is that I can't stand the stuff. Perhaps it's the idea that it's doing me good? The whole point about chocolate is that it's sinful.... stuffing yourself with something that's good for you seems pointless. And there's another problem with this job at Fortnum and Mason. The woman who's been tasting chocolate all these years still only weighs 110 pounds, which means she has been eating lot of the fine chocolate, and not nearly enough of English stuff. So, on second thought, I'll stay an enthusiastic amateur chocoholic .... and I''ll keep eating the stuff that's bad for me.