Dogg Fight With O'Reilly

In the latest trend of celebrity feuds, one made-for-TV battle has flown under the radar.

Last month Snoop Dogg responded on a Dutch talk show to a question about a critical segment on Fox News' "No Spin Zone," by stating succinctly, "f--- Bill O'Reilly." Dogg then recommended the two get together in his neighborhood for a lightning round of conversation and fisticuffs.

In a segment the following week, O'Reilly taunted Dogg's claim of living in the ghetto, saying, "What, is the pool boy going to beat me up, Snoopy?"

So what's a hardcore gangsta rapper to do? I have an idea:

Dear Snoop Dogg,

I assume a member of your posse has informed you that Bill O'Reilly is calling into question your hard-earned reputation as a man who answers challenges swiftly and with callous disregard for human suffering — your "street cred," if you will. He also called you Snoopy.

You need to meet this charge head on and beat O'Reilly at his own game. Appear on his show and we'll see just how tough he is facing off with one of hip hop's premiere poets. Do you feel me, Dogg? (For readers not familiar with urban speak, I'm not actually asking Dogg to "feel" me. The usage in this case means "to understand." I'm talking to him in his language.)

Does he realize you single-handedly invented the Pig Latin of the twenty-first century? And in the process, gave white men a viable and edgy alternative to the n-word, my nizzle?

I would love to see O'Reilly's face when you flex your skills (engage in impromptu wordplay) with rhymes like those you displayed in your 2004 homage to the female form, "Drop It Like It's Hot":

I can't fake it, just break it, and when I take it
see I specialize in making all the girls get naked ...

I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles waiting on the pizzle, the dizzle and the shizzle G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo

I think I know what that means and I love it. And if O'Reilly still has beef and wants to step up (has desire for confrontation) with questions about your multiple arrests on drug and weapons charges, you can mesmerize him with the circular logic from your classic "Gin N' Juice" refrain: "Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind."

And if you need to drop some science (share your knowledge) on the "No Spin Zone" about life in the hood (short for neighborhood) you can quote from your track (song) "Gangbangin' 101":

Gun in my hand, it's the turf by the surf but we don't play in the sand.
We just — slip and slide out, we rip and ride out

That gun in your hand is really just a metaphor for the angst you felt growing up under the stern tutelage of an older generation still clinging to the utopian All-American ideals of the 1950s, right? Then I know just what you're talking about. Will O'Reilly get it? I think not.

It's possible that Bill is having second thoughts about a battle (challenging you to a verbal duel) after your eloquent defense of repeatedly using the word "ho" in the wake of the Don Imus scandal. If you'll allow me to paraphrase for my readers, unlike the women Imus was referring to, you only use the term when referencing actual hos. And with your pimping experience, you would know.

If I know Bill O'Reilly, and I don't (never met him), when confronted with that type of logic he generally gives up and rolls over like a fuzzy little puppy. So it's all good, Dogg.

Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.

If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.