You probably know me as some fellah who shows up every now and then in the eliteyest section of this liberal media paper. In fact, I am also a lifelong reformer, shaker-upper and winker.
That's why I'm taking this opportunity to announce my candidacy for the next vice president of Student Services.
Now, I know what you're thinking: How can someone so doggone cute be qualified to oversee so many aspects of student life? Well, I have to tell ya, I've got years of experience leading, shaking up old boys clubs and smiling in front of microphones.
I remember when I was covering Joe Biden at the State Fair one time, and he tried his best to get me to do things the quid pro quorum way by buying me an ice-cream bar. Well, my maverick sense started tingling and you know what I told him? "Thanks, but no thanks, Joe."
That is just a taste of the reformerism I plan to take to the office of vice president of Student Services. You will be so impressed with the reform, you will say to yourself, "Why, there sure is a lot less of that gosh darn corruption here on campus."
Outsiderness begins on the issues. When I become vice president of Student Services, I will take on those issues that are so pressing to you. I plan to really serve the students, and make sure all their services are served. Also, student activities.
And don't you go worrying about any more of those pesky floods. If it starts raining too much again, I'll just talk to God for ya and make sure that river doesn't get anything other than those heathens on the Arts campus.
My executive experience can be measured more by the heart than the eyes reading my rsum. Just ask any of my former employees -- except for the ones who had to go for looking at me weird (that's how I knew they were corrupt).
I spent two semesters managing more than 30 people (over 0.1 percent of this here university!) after years as the mayor of a small restaurant's kitchen (others call it dishwashing). It may not fit the "requirements" set by the elitists in the administration, but do I have what it takes to be the best darn vice president of Student Services you've ever seen? You betcha.
"Requirements" and "qualifications" are merely elitist speak for barriers to keep us Joe Twopacks out of power.
Anyway, how much you like me and why I'm like you is much more important than what I've already done that could reflect my future job performance.
I grew up in a small suburb just like many of you, only mine was in Minnesota, allowing me to use this adorable accent. I was raised on the same small-suburb values you cherish, like cul de sacs, not taking the bus to school and food courts. And while I didn't actually play hockey or mother anyone who did, several of my friends' moms were hockey moms.
Do you know what the difference between a Minnesota hockey friend and a mythical Reformersaurus Rex is? Deodorant.
Also, just in case it ever comes up as vice president of Student Services, I would totally keep any Down Syndrome baby I fathered.
On a final note, I just want to mention that my opponent who has yet to be named has probably sat on an education panel before. And you know, I just don't feel comfortable about having someone who has done something so similar to what terrorist Bill Ayers once did running my student services.
Well, I really appreciate you reading this here column. It's always nice to be able to circumvent the mainstream media and talk directly to you, the Joe Twopack people.
In the time that I wrote this, I didn't receive one follow-up question, fact check or burst of laughter in my face ad you know why? Because you know you are looking at a real, 100 percent reformerist.