Column: This Holiday, Be Thankful For 'Real American' Principles

This story was written by Cyndi Waite, Daily Nebraskan

As I hold the hands of those in my family and pray moments before gleefully filling my stomach, I'm going to give thanks for being a Real American: specially blessed by God, born in the best nation in the history of the world.

I'm thankful that God is my, and my nation's, guiding light. For without God, there would be no Real America. I'm thankful that God bestowed upon our nation alone a special destiny -- probably offered to us because we're white. It is "fact" -- speaking from dogma -- that God likes white people better, despite his Semitic son.

No wonder he had him killed.

As one nation under God, we can justify whatever we do -- one of the fun parts of fundamentalism. When we decide to take a nation to war under false pretenses, we can know with certainty that although we ignore the fundamental ideals of our nation, we do it with a divine purpose.

This Thanksgiving, when I reminisce on the past six years of death and violence in Iraq, I will feel blessed knowing that it is God's will that America save the souls of every citizen of the world. I will feel blessed knowing that we as a country can disregard other people's ideas and beliefs and instead force ours upon them.

Abusing hegemonic power until it becomes a force of destruction and brutality sends shivers down my white, God-fearing spine and makes me throw my hands in the air in unbridled, passionate worship --thank you, Jesus!

This Thanksgiving, I'm also thankful that I'm endowed by my Creator with the ability to exploit the poor, homeless and weak through globalized capitalism. When I sit at home in Georgia this week with my single-parent, lower-middle-class family, I will know that capitalism demanded my mother struggle through life to make ends meet. She received little to no child support or government-based assistance.

When I look back on my past and recall the times when our electricity, phone and water were turned off while my mom worked three jobs to make ends meet, my heart fills with giddiness: thank God the free market came before civility and human decency. It makes me proud to know that even in situations where people choose the smart, not-getting-abused route, they don't deserve government money.

Real, pure capitalism tells the story of the privileged -- another sign of being a Real American.

It makes me even prouder to think of the labor done in undeveloped, poverty-stricken countries for giant American corporations. My heart fills with patriotism when I consider the millions of underpaid workers in places like Belize working on banana plantations, who are infertile because of dangerous pesticide exposure. Pesticides ignored by American corporations that simply want more product, regardless of the human cost.

It's easy for me to understand the greatness that is America. I am, after all, from the South -- one of Gov. Sarah Palin's "pro-America" areas of the country. It gives me an immediate advantage over people born in less American places. But I have faith this holiday season that even those born in New York and San Francisco can come to be as thankful for this country as I am.

When you're working toward being more American, consider these tips: It's easier to be God-fearing and loving and patriotic when denied access to science, facts and "secular" education. Take over school boards with zealotry, and you, too, can be blessed with ignorance.

Try to stop discussing this idea of "nclusiveness" - the idea that everyone born or naturalized into our country is an equal part of the American community.

It's not true, and God knows it. When you espouse non-religious ideas - such as arguing that scientific theories, supported by centuries of scientific research, explain the nature of Earth and our existence, you hurt Baby Jesus' feelings.

My favorite bible verse as a small child born of a capitalist economy was Psalm 37:4. All you real, God-fearing Americans feel free to raise your voices to the Lord and recite it with me: "Delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." On Thursday, I will look around and know that He has.

This Thanksgiving, join me in exploring what it means to be an American. Consider what you're eating and why you're eating it. What does it represent? Who does it include and exclude?

The answers, for Real Americans, will guide you to a stronger, faith-filled life marked by group-think, exclusivity and cognitive dissonance when it comes to science. Then you, too, will know that the Lord has given you the desires of your heart.

Amen.