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Column: Dunkin' Death To U.S.! Silly To Suggest Ray A Terrorist Supporter

This story was written by Sujay Kumar, Daily Illini


America may run on Dunkin,' but maybe it should be running away from Rachael.

Last week, the nation's threat level was elevated to orange and pink when celebrity chef Rachael Ray, better known for making a mean couscous than fighting jihads, executed phase one of her plot to wage psychological warfare on the American people.

Dunkin' Donuts dumped an online ad for iced coffee when right wing bloggers lead by Michelle Malkin accused Ray of wearing a traditional Arab headdress called a keffiyeh to symbolically show support for Islamic extremism and terrorism.

In the ad, Ray is ominously seen wearing a black and white paisley scarf and holding an iced coffee in front of a tree with pink flowers, while a building that may be a target for terrorists looms in the background.

While many only saw an innocent fringed scarf that looks like a traditional Muslim garment, Malkin knew there was something more sinister at hand.

She saw a red flag signaling anti-American propaganda. Malkin revealed that Ray's scarf was not only a keffiyeh, but also a silent nod of solidarity to the current fashion appearing in popular videos of Islamic extremist hostage demands, terror threats and beheadings.

After the ad's cancellation, Malkin praised Dunkin' Donuts for showing sensitivity to the concerns of Americans "opposed to Islamic jihad and its apologists" and for not bending "over backward in the direction of anti-American political correctness."

Dunkin' Donuts released a statement essentially saying that Rachael Ray was not a terrorist and that the ad was removed because the "possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote iced coffee."

While common sense tells us how outrageous this view of terrorism and Islam is, it may be in our best interest to safeguard what America stands for and look at some others who may be flying under the radar while secretly plotting a holy war against America.

Time and time again, Tyra Banks has showed us her ability as a field operative to go undercover and shape shift. Over the course of The Tyra Banks show, she has been a fat man, ugly person, white person, and stripper named Chanel. On America's Next Top Model, Tyra has brainwashed unsuspecting young girls and trained them to talk with their eyes and march across the runway, all in the name of being "fierce."

It would be wrong to smear Oprah Winfrey, at least until evidence links her to a keffiyeh. In light of this, we turn a watchful eye to Stedman. Using chameleon tactics to float behind the scenes, Stedman's access to Oprah's fortune gives him the ability to fund virtually anything. If you add a beard and turban to Stedman's picture, the resemblance to Osama bin Laden is uncanny.

Foolish as it may be to ignore these warning signs, they don't make Tyra and Stedman terrorists. And while Rachael Ray has infiltrated our homes with her annoying voice and over zealousness, that's not a crime. Even under the Patriot Act.

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