Column: Doomsday Cult To Take Power After Elections
This story was written by John Frees, Daily News
Presidential elections can really take it out of you. We get as worn as the candidates by the time we've consumed two years of gradually intensifying competition. Looking through the lies and strategic avoidance of straight talk gets tedious. Nebulous, ambiguous nonsense rules the day in an election year, and not only do we allow it to happen, but occasionally we even support candidates. Of course we are usually left with a bad taste in our mouths, having devoted at least an hour following the campaign throughout two years, only to elect someone whom, under any other circumstances, we wouldn't trust to borrow our car for ten minutes.
I understand a few of you out there don't like jokes with your politics (especially the young Republicans), and I can see the serious nature of what politics represents. It doesn't matter. Nothing is so bad that it will never warrant a joke. Nothing is so serious that we can't cut up about it. If Barack Obama is really the antichrist like the conservatives think, that would be pretty funny. Even death can be funny. I'm sure mine will be hilarious, though the later the better.
So my message to you this day is you only live once, and laughter really is the best medicine -- and sometimes it really is funnier when it makes other people angry. Don't waste a moment chasing things that don't matter, because the ultimate punch line is on its way. According to the History Channel and some weird Chinese fortune-telling device, the apocalypse is only four years away, and I believe them this time! Those crazy Mayans were very bright folk, which speaks volumes for human sacrifice, a non-partisan practice even then, I'm sure.
I think the planet will shift its axis, causing two-thirds of the world's population to perish in a variety of mostly quick and painless ways I hope. The good news is, I keep having dreams about writing the new history of our nation, so those of you reading this in the local area should make plans to hang around. I have a feeling the American Midwest will be one of the few geologically stable places through this period of realignment.
I won't stop at the new history of our nation. I'll also write bibles and other famous bedtime stories, learn to lay a cabin foundation, grow strawberries that are red all the way through instead of having that annoying white center and probably have a crack at this president thing if things quiet down. Why not? The East Coast will be toast anyway. All the politicians will be swimming in the new bay that used to be Washington.
Wildlife populations will grow, as only a few hunters will roam. Venison and strawberries will be the staple of our new civilization's diet. Finally, we will have sweet freedom.
How many of these doomsday cults can be wrong anyway? Doesn't the law of averages state that eventually, they have to be right? Is that what their leaders say to themselves?
"Somebody has to be right one of these days! This world can't last forever! Let's party!"
I'm sure partying is important because they all seem to need at least six wives.
"I just wanted to have a good time and have folks bow to me like Jesus, and I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky ATF agents," said David Koresh as his Waco, Texas, compound burned to the ground. OK, he didn't say that. That's what I would've said.
But I digress. I feel my doomsday reckoning is dead on, so I guess it's time for me to start the Mayan Calendar Cult. I advise all of you to join. It won't be a pious organization. There will be no praying, no crying and no worrying. As a matter of fact, we won't do anything at all. There will be no meetings, no dues and no nonsense: only a 40-hour commitment every week to video games and drinking.
br>I cannot stress this enough. We are a secret organization! That means I don't want to hear anyone addressing me as President Frees. That's postrevolution talk! We'll just nod at each other knowingly when passing one another, secure in the knowledge that we're ready for the end to come and all the changes that will follow.
It's all happening Dec. 21, 2012. Until then, try to keep the Cult of the Mayan Calendar on the down-low.