Caring For Aging Parents

Millions of Americans learned to care for their aging parents through trial and error, often without much-needed support from relatives and friends.

Hugh Delehanty and Elinor Ginzler offer plenty of advice for people in this growing situation in the new book, "Caring For Your Parents: The Complete AARP Guide."

Delehanty says it not just a how-to-do book, but also a "how-to-think" book about care-giving.

"The big mistake that a lot of people make, is they look on care-giving as a fix-it project. Here is this weaker person I'm going to take care of. It's going to be a job, like fixing a car," Delehanty says. Instead, it is helpful "to look on it as a natural process that's going on between both of you, not just the other person, and then a connection develops. Otherwise, a wall goes up."

The typical caregiver for a parent is a 46-year-old woman who works full time. She is usually caring for her mother or mother-in-law, and does it for a number of years, says Ginzler.

Taking care of an elderly parent is a big job, and one of the most important things is to divide the tasks, says Delehanty.

People have different strong points. Delehanty says in his family, his older brother is a lawyer, so he took care of all the financial matters. Delehanty took care of the health issues, and his younger brother "took care of organizing this army of people that was going to help. Friends and family."

But even broaching the subject of arranging or delegating care for aging parents can be difficult.

Ginzler recommend three steps.

The first is breaking the ice by approaching all the family members and figuring out who should be involved in the decision-making.

The second is organizing a family meeting. Delehanty recommends doing it in the parent's home.

The third is to hold the actual meeting. "The basic key thing is that what you're doing with this conversation is raising issues, not necessarily solving problems," says Delehanty. Get the parents to say what's on their minds. Find out if they've thought about how they would like to be cared for, and what their wishes are.

"It's also just a beginning. This is a conversation that keeps on going," Ginzler says.