The following is an edited version of a commentary written by Andy Rooney for a 60 Minutes segment which aired on December 28, 1986.
Tonight, the dependable old New Year's resolutions. Here goes for 1987.
I'm not going to try to lose weight. Why break my heart again this year? I'm facing the facts. I'm not six feet four inches tall, I'm not 23 years old, and I'm not a thin person.
When one shoe lace breaks in 1987, I'm going to change both of them.
I'm going to stop rushing through the week and then complaining about how time flies.
When a motorcycle cuts in front of me, and weaves in and out of traffic, I'm going to try not to hope have happen to him what I hoped would happen to him several times last year. That wasn't nice.
I'm going to buy less stuff. I have enough stuff for a while now. I especially don't need any more shoes.
I'm going to be consistent pronouncing Iran "I-ran" and not "I-rahn." I don't know which is correct, but "I-rahn" sounds like "tomato" and "either" and I don't say "to-mah-toe" or "eye-ther." I'm also going to pronounce Iraq "I-rack" and not "I-rock."
I'm going to stop leaving a light on in the house when we go out to keep the burglars away. I don't think burglars care whether there's a light on or not.
I'm not going to watch any more sports events sponsored by cigarette companies.
I'm going to be nicer to some of the impossible jerks I meet every day. I'm just going to smile at them, nice as pie, and say, "Have a nice day."
I'm not going to stay in the hot shower so long in 1987.
And one last thing, this New Year's Eve, I'm not going to pretend I'm having a good time. I'm just going to drink, say "Happy New Year" to everyone and go home and go to bed.
Happy New Year.