America's Little Oil Problem

President Bush delivers the State of the Union to a joint session of Congress while Vice President Dick Cheney, left, and House Speaker Dennis Hastert, right, watch at the U.S. Capitol, Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2006, in Washington.
The president delivers his sixth State of the Union address next week, and early word is he will unveil a plan to break America's dependence on foreign oil. His energy-saving initiatives "will knock your socks off," predicts one Bush advisor. I've obtained excerpts from an early draft of the speech. Hold onto your socks.

Ours is a great nation with great resources, but we have even greater needs. We now import more than half our oil, much of that from unstable regions of the world.

With the help of modern science we can limit our reliance on foreign sources. Automobiles are a major source of energy consumption, but something as simple as improperly inflated tires can cause a 15 percent reduction in fuel efficiency. That's why we need to start making flying cars. They will eliminate the tire inflation problem and will reduce the cost of road maintenance to almost nothing.

I've also asked my science advisory board to look into teleportation devices and amphibious hovercrafts that run on Splenda. They have yet to respond. I urge the Congress to let these scientists know that improving hovercraft and teleportation technology must be their top priorities. (Applause)

Scientific innovation can help, but curbing our energy needs will take sacrifice from all Americans.

You may not realize how pervasive petroleum products are in our lives. A large portion of our household items are derived from the same source that fuels our cars — products such as common lip balm. I have just signed a presidential decree ordering all Americans, when using petroleum-based balms for dry and chapped lips to make only one swipe across the bottom lip. Then purse your lips together to spread the product evenly onto the top lip. This simple step will cut our dependence on lip balm by half. Unless you work in a dehumidifier factory in Phoenix, you only need one swipe. (Applause)

I am also asking the professionals of NASCAR and their millions of fans (and I count myself among your ranks) to make a sacrifice for the good of the country. The average NASCAR race uses enough fuel to power a small town for a week. From this day forward, I am asking every NASCAR winner, when you pass the checkered flag, to get out of your car and walk your victory lap.

I have been criticized in the past for not asking more of the wealthiest among us. Now I am calling on all Americans earning more than $200,000 a year to pay a price for your privilege. Over the next weeks and months, whenever you realize you are not doing your share, I want you to take all the money you have in your right pocket, pull it out, and put it into your left pocket.

You may say, "but how is that a sacrifice?" Your efforts will be twofold. You will be saving the government the time and expense of collecting your money. You will also save us the futile effort of trying to find the loophole you used to take it back from our nation's treasury. Your self-generosity will cut government waste and eliminate loopholes before they exist. (Applause, standing ovation)

Make no mistake, we have an oil problem, but we can stop if we really want to. Last year I called it an addiction. I misspoke. We just got a little carried away for a couple decades, but if we pull together as a nation we can handle this by ourselves. Thank you and God bless America. If you'll excuse me, my motorcade is waiting to take me to the helicopter that takes me to my airplane.

Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.

If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.