All Mixed Up

<b>Andy Rooney</b> On New And Not-So-Improved Flavors

A weekly commentary by CBS News correspondent Andy Rooney. It was originally broadcast on April 27, 2003.

Obviously, I like to eat but I have some rules. I don't mix flavors. I like vanilla ice cream and I like chocolate ice cream but I don't put them in a dish together.

When I was a kid, I liked peanut butter and I liked jelly but I didn't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Friday, I went to the deli across the street and took a sandwich and a Coke back here to the office. I opened the Coke, took a gulp and almost spewed it over the papers on my desk. I looked at the label and it said Vanilla Coke. Well, I like Coke and I like vanilla but I hated Vanilla Coke.

Everything's got something else in it.

Raspberry Ginger Crisp, Cranberry Almond Crunch.

Cherry Vanilla Dream with Pecans and Cashews. How about a Cherry Vanilla Nightmare?

Orange cappuccino. They have hazelnut-flavored coffee. What's wrong with coffee-flavored coffee?

Fat-Free Hazelnut Coffeemate. The only thing I can figure is, hazelnuts are cheaper than coffee beans so that's what they're putting in with the coffee to stretch it out.

They take perfectly good water and louse it up with kiwi and strawberry. This one says Tangerine-Pineapple-Guava. I'd have to be dying of thirst on a desert island.

Sour cream and onion potato chips. I guess the sour cream and onions aren't even real. It says it's "artificially flavored."

A can of raspberry-flavored tea says "More tea taste." So what's the raspberry all about, if they want it to taste like tea?

There's a salt-free rice cake that's also fat-free. A fat-free topping. I've always been interested in the fact that when they don't put something in a product, it costs more. If it doesn't have fat, salt, sugar or any calories, it's more expensive.

Fat-free poppyseed dressing. I always wonder what they do with all the fat they take out of these things. Do they just throw it away?

Honey is very big in everything, now. Honey Nut Cheerios, Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts, Honey Mustard Pretzel Dip. Honey doesn't go with either peanuts or mustard. But I have an idea that honey is cheap because bees are making it faster than we're eating it.

You know, maybe I'll retire and go into business. I'd make an artificially flavored, fat-free, honey-coated hazelnut hot dog. You could have it with no-cal French vanilla or chocolate-flavored mustard.

Written By Andy Rooney