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A Preview Of The New Season

<B>Andy Rooney</B> On Next Week's Season Premiere Of <B><I>60 Minutes</B></I>

The following is a weekly 60 Minutes commentary by Correspondent Andy Rooney.
Next week will be the first 60 Minutes broadcast of the new year.

I know we're late getting started. But, New Year's Day isn't Jan. 1. The new year really starts the Tuesday after Labor Day, so we aren't that late.

Even though most of the other 60 Minutes correspondents are still goofing off, they asked me to do a new commentary this week and I thought it would be a good time to give you a little preview of what I'll be doing.

First, I'd like to issue a warning to parents. Nothing I'll be doing will have any profanity, nudity or sexually explicit content, so when I come on, your children may want to leave the room.

I'll certainly be writing at least five commentaries that will annoy you if you're a Republican, and three or maybe four that you'll hate if you're a Democrat.

For example, I have a little story about a friend who wants Americans to be more open about who they're going to vote for in the coming election.

He suggests that if you're for Kerry, you should let everyone know where you stand by driving with your headlights on during the day. On the other hand, he says, if you want to show you're for George W. Bush, drive with your headlights off at night.

This is the sort of offensive political humor I'll be doing.

I plan to do three or four pieces about how hard things are to open. I know many of you like those. I, personally, am tired of them, but I'm not trying to please myself. I'm trying to please you.

I'll probably do at least one piece about my desk drawers. They've been successful over the years. I have a lot of new stuff in the drawers, and I still have all the old stuff, of course. I save things. A lot of things aren't any good for anything but saving. For instance, a two-dollar bill, and my Harry ReasonerBarbara Walters button.

I won't be doing anything about my eyebrows this year. I've done that several times already. The eyebrows jokes are over. Don't write me about them. I'll cut my eyebrows when I dye my hair blond.

We'll try to attract a younger audience to the show this year. We don't want a lot of people my age watching so I may interview some people I've never heard of, like Beyonce and Christina Aguilera.

So that's some of what I'll be doing. You'll know when I'm coming on. I'm near the end of the show between about five minutes of commercials and the credits.

See you next week on the first 60 Minutes.

Written By Andy Rooney