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Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Attend 'El Hormiguero' Tv Show
Just don't get married. It's that simple. (Credit: Juan Naharro Gimenez/Getty Images)


Woh there, leadfoot, where are you headed in a hurry?

Not towards love, I hope. And by "I," I mean "the stars." They recommend you, as in, you in particular, should never, ever speed towards love. No matter what. No matter how hot your significant other is, no matter how desperate of a human being you are (which you are), no matter how late you are for your wedding...

Who says you should get married anyway? For one, that might lead to kids, and the Moon's position heavily suggest you avoid sticking an individual in this world that is even remotely like you – even someone that shares half your genetic makeup is too much. And for two, the stars don't even really believe in marriage, man. It's just another institutionalized lie to keep the masses under control.

You get married, there goes the happy days. No more sunshine, Pisces. After that it's all angry comments under your breath as you wait in line at Wendy's and getting into fights over the TV remote.

Stay single, Pisces.

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology. Mason is not an owl. He is a Ford truck.

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