Horrible Horoscopes: Leo
By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).
Leo
Leo, fortune favors the bold...
... And the prepared.
Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? It's coming! The stars tell me so.
Wipe that smirk off your face, Leo – this is serious business. If it wasn't, why have my parents been training me for the zombie apocalypse since I was 8? Everyone thinks it's cool that I was homeschooled, but you try a full schedule of katana practice, wilderness training and archery every single day of your childhood.
Other kids got to go to Chuck-E-Cheese! Me? My mother would grab me by the shoulders every morning, shake me violently, and scream, "WHAT IF I TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?"
If my answer wasn't, "Aim for the head," she'd slap me, Leo. She'd slap me silly.
Where was I?
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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and wants his childhood back.