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Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

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"Come on in... I promise I won't fart." (Credit: Jasper Juinen/Getty Images)


Capricorn, stop hiding who you are. The stars think you should shed your skin and show this miserable world what you're made of:

Farts. You're mostly made of farts.

What? You think nobody noticed? You can't fill up an elevator with your own unique... creations... and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, "It wasn't me"? Who would believe you?

Anyway, farting is no longer an involuntary (please tell me it's accidental) body function to be embarrassed about. That's right, farts are worth something now!

So go out there and sell your farts, Capricorn.

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology. "Sorry for the poop jokes," is going to be written on his headstone.


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