Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Aries

Aries! Look at you! Some advice: get off the couch and do something with yourself. You can't just sit there and watch "2 Broke Girls" all day, man. Don't you know that messes with your virility?

Actually, I take that back. You can watch "2 Broke Girls." It is an amazing show with depth, intelligence and talent. This is not sarcasm. Horoscopes are not sarcastic.

Remember, viewers! Tune into "2 Broke Girls" on that night it happens to be on at that time sometime in the evening!

Don't watch anything else though. I'm going to be honest, and I never thought I'd say this, but the Moon is really worried about your sperm count, Aries. Why does the Moon worry about your sperm count? I don't know, bro. I just look at the alignment and communicate what it tells me, and right now the alignment of the Moon (and Harvard researchers) has some very foreboding things to say about your sperm. And it's all because you're a couch mashing potatoes -- or however that phrase goes. Don't worry, I made a list that can help you...

What you can do to improve your sperm count:

Run
Run toward things
Run away from things
Run away from responsibilities
Run a corrupt political campaign
Run this family into the ground
Go to the library
Buy the library
Furnish the library
Litigate the library
Look up what litigate means at the library
Pole dance at the library to pay for law school so you can litigate the library
Ride the waves
Watch the waves
Introduce yourself to the waves
Be one with the waves
Take the waves out for ice cream
Pretend you're not mad when the waves spill chocolate ice cream on your pink polo shirt
Don't call the waves back for a 2nd date because you're secretly mad about the ice cream incident
Avoid eye contact with the waves when you accidentally run into them at a party a year later and can't quite remember their name

Hope those suggestions help, Aries!

Read more Horrible Horoscopes. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and realizes that pole dancing has become a popular and respectable pastime and workout regime. Follow his extremely inappropriate and unintelligent twitter here.