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Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

DVD Release Party For "The Golden Girls"
Hey, ladies ;) (Credit: Carlo Allegri/Getty Images)


It's the weekend! Time to go out with some friends and see the family, right?


Let's be real, Aquarius. They don't love you. They're faking it. When it comes right down to it, they'll never care about you as much as television cares about you.

Who was there for you during your last break-up? Your mom? All she did was nod her head and fake a sympathetic face. I'll tell you who was really there for you: Golden Girls.

Remember when you didn't get invited to Chantel's homewarming party? What did you do? You stayed in all day and watched ol re-runs of MTV's Cribs.

When you're down in the dumps, your "friends" may try to make you feel better, but it's Barney Stinson and Liz Lemon who really put a smile on your face.

So the next time your phone buzzes and it's a friend text-inviting you out for drinks, just remember, they're only inviting you out of guilt. They feel bad for you. They think you're a loser.

MacGyver though, he thinks you're a winner.

Know who your friends are, Aquarius.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and is happy he didn't mention Friends in this horoscope.

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