We certainly aren't going to shower votes on an Italian model who talks English like a Russian and allegedly used to date George Clooney. We're not superficial like that.
And so it proved in "Dancing with the Stars," as Elisabetta Canalis was asked to pack her skimpy skirts and go.
No, Canalis wasn't the worst dancer. She was merely the least-known worst dancer. Still, her elimination came at the end of the results show. At the beginning, we had the joy of several male professionals dancing with both nipples bared, as if in homage to Nancy Grace's nip-slip, as they call it in downscale publications.
Grace, the defendant, click on this link and be the jury yourselves.her Northern Exposure. However, those European papers are far keener on exposing the evidence and I leave you to
The results show was, as usual, full of producer-slipped gems that allow us to bathe more readily in the show's subculture.
David Arquette really is so very hyper that you wonder what his chemical innards must consist of. How can anyone cope with that on a daily basis?
The producers offered us a lovely snippet of judge Len Goodman muttering to his fellow judges: "The worst dancers are the most fun."
The worst judges, too.
Goodman had Carson Kressley in mind. Kressley was, quite naturally, the first to be told he would be dancing - or whatever it is he does - next week. Kressley offered a curious assessment of the pressure: "Even if you think you did a great job, you just never know."
Oh, Carson, you always know you've never done a great job, but you're fun to watch and lovable.
As the producers tried to squeeze an hour's cocktail out of a lemon pip, we were shown the inside of the spray-tanning booth, which doesn't look entirely different from a private room at an adult video store.
This was a pleasant interlude before Nancy Grace talked about being a competitor. She reminded us that the cases she used to handle were "literally life or death". As if that would somehow put a fresh perspective on her quickstep skills.
But wait. To prove that no, no, she was even more competitive than Grace, even more competitive than World Cup goalkeeper Hope Solo, Ricki Lake offered this: "I gave birth to my kids on my own in my bathtub, so that just shows how driven I am."
Or, it may just show how into natural childbirth she is. Or how into natural pain she is. Or how into natural one-upwomanship she is.
It was a pleasant relief just to hear that Chaz Bono is feeling less pain in his knee and his ankle.
Asked by the Princess of Obvious, Brooke Burke-Charvet, whether he was feeling confident, Bono declared: "Of course. I'm far more competitive than all these mouthy girls put together."
Well, actually what he said was: "No." Which made him seem remarkably sane, genuine and un-star like.
Oddly Burke-Charvet didn't get around to asking Grace about her busting out. It was left to Jon Stewart on his show to suggest that this was "Flashdance" - no wait, "Areola 51".
To set up the surprise ending, the producers showed how exuberant Canalis had felt immediately after her performance when she was given 21 points by the judges.
The thing is, she may have only received 21 votes from all of the populace at home.
At the end, we had three couples in jeopardy. The producers, in an odd fit of honesty, actually declared that two of these couples were, indeed, the bottom two - not merely two couples placed there for the sake of faux-drama.
Bono and partner Lacey Schwimmer were led to safety. So was it to be Arquette or Canalis?
Could there have been doubt? America voted with its instincts. America screamed.
Canalis declared herself to be lucky, grateful and appalled. Oh, perhaps I exaggerate with that last word. Did I mention that she was certainly not the worst dancer? Still, how things might have been different if only it had been she who had endured a wardrobe malfunction.
Popularity - such an elusive notion when it comes to "Dancing with the Stars."