When an Ex Grumbles to the Kids About Paying Child Support
Last month Family Finance received the following letter from a mom:
I have an ex who continually whines to our children about how poor he is and how cruel I am to make him pay child support. Because I don't want to burden my children with my financial troubles, I don't tell them that I emptied out my retirement account to pay for three things: a lawyer to retain custody of them, to keep us alive when he abandoned us, and as a deposit on the house we now live in, because he forced us into foreclosure on the prior home. So, how about some advice on talking about finances with kids of divorced parents?
I spoke to Lili Vasileff, CFP and president of the International Association of Divorce Financial Planners, and Dr. Brad Klontz, financial psychologist and author of Mind Over Money. They offered some suggestions about how the mother should respond.
First, it's the law that requires parents to support their children, not the former spouse. The amount that each parent must pay is set by law as well, and "all states now have a uniform code for child support," Vasileff says. That calculation is based on the income of both the father and the mother and how many children there are. Child support payments cover only the basics -- food, clothing, shelter. (Forget about extras, like piano lessons or orthodontia.) But the government takes a strong interest in children's welfare. "They view children as vulnerable and having a basic entitlement under the law to being cared for and raised," Vasileff says.
The second part is how much of that to communicate to the children. Bottom line, Klontz says, is that the mom should hold herself back. Older children can understand more. Younger children shouldn't be privy to any of this.
So when the kids report to their mom, "Dad says you're making him pay too much in child support," Klontz suggests she keep her response simple: "The courts make those decisions. These are complicated adult issues. When you are an adult, we can talk about it. But for now, these issues are not yours to worry about, and I am sorry if you feel like you are in the middle."
Such a response requires setting boundaries -- something her ex has failed to do -- and enormous willpower. "It's tempting to jump in and set them straight when they are passing on their father's messages, but doing so would make her no better than her ex," Klontz says.
The conversation with the kids about child support is not about defending herself or proving she is right. It is about biting her tongue and being a good parent. "When kids hear their parents discuss these adult issues with them, it feels empowering to them, because they're being let into the adult world," Klontz says. "So on the one hand, it feels like a compliment. But it also hurts their self-esteem. They are not equipped to deal with this information. And it forces them to pick a side."
While restraint might not give her much satisfaction now, Klontz believes a measured response will reap dividends down the line. "She's really going to show who is more stable and supportive in the long run by modeling that type of behavior," he says. "She doesn't have to worry that the kids forever are going to have his view. When they're older she can give them more information."
In the meantime, the mom should feel free to share her values about money and the importance of saving, education, and choices. But she shouldn't do so in the context of her ex-husband.
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