Last Updated Jun 30, 2011 12:36 PM EDT
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Sure, I'm part of the problem too, but it's not my fault. I used to have a real job but, one night, I fell asleep next to an alien pod and woke up this way. Not buying that? Okay, what really happened is, years ago, then CNET editor-at-large Michael Kanellos asked if I wanted to do a blog.
"What's a blog?" I said.
Four years later; here we are. And you know what? It was easy. Best of all, anyone can become a famous blogger with gazillions of readers by following these 5 easy steps.
So, in honor of the guy who somehow got me to give up a fortune in consulting fees to blog for peanuts, here's my take on one of the funniest posts I've ever read (here's the original, but frankly, I think my adaptation is a big improvement):
How to Be a Superstar Blogger
1. Be insane or obvious, but not both.
"There are two basic reactions you're shooting for. You either want to: one, stun someone into a temporary catatonic state with enigmatic predictions, or two, confirm their prejudices and personal beliefs." In other words, it's either Charlie Sheen Should Be CEO of Time Warner or Outrageous CEO Pay Still on the Rise.
"Being outlandish and predictable at the same time, though, is tough--unless you graduate to compound sentences." Then you can say, How an MBA Will Destroy Your Career While Improving Your Self Esteem. On second thought, better stick to one or the other. The audience prefers its lunatics to have a consistent methodology.
2. Watch what's trending on Google and Twitter.
Forget esoteric stuff like helping people boost their careers, land jobs, or run their businesses more effectively. Instead, focus on what's hot and trendy: social media, personal branding, Generation Y, Apple, Facebook, and don't forget Charlie Sheen.
Practice coming up with headlines like, Gen Y Personal Branding Gurus are Uberfull of Ubercrap. And yes, I really did write that one.
Kanellos - now editor-in-chief of the popular Greentech Media site - says the more esoteric and unlikely the concept, the more popular it is. Everyone's bored to tears with global warming, climate change, or whatever those wacko environmentalists call it these days, but if you really want to get everyone's attention, try, New Google Car Runs on Brainwaves: The Smarter You Are, the Faster it Goes.
3. Find a good enemy.
One name: Sarah Palin. Everyone loves to hate her. If that doesn't work for you, I've got a whole laundry list of villains for you to go after: Big Pharma, Big Oil, CEOs, Corporate America, wealthy people (but only the business ones: entertainers, musicians, and athletes are all okay), George W. Bush, and if you live in San Francisco, of course, McDonald's Happy Meals.
4. Never be afraid to one-up someone.
If another blogger writes, 10 Simple Tips to Make You Rich and Famous, you can easily top that with, The Secret to Becoming a Billionaire in the Next 45 Minutes. Try it; it works.
5. Be vague.
'Winning' With Social Media. Is Anthony Weiner a Hot Dog? How to Be Like Steve Jobs. Most Hated CEOs. Apple's Next iThing. Top 10 Job Interview Tips. The vaguer you are while still hitting a hot, trending keyword or key phrase, the more clicks you'll get. Guaranteed.
Finally, Kanellos's coupe de grace: "As an added bonus, you might someday be right." When that golden moment happens, be sure to put out a press release.
Also check out:
- 10 Creative Uses for Smartphones
- Quit Tweeting and Pay Attention
- Behold the Awesome Power of Social Media
Image: emilio labrador via Flickr