Spicing Up L.A.

Have you heard of the 'tall poppy syndrome'? It's what we do here with celebrities. We build them up and then take unmeasured joy in knocking them back down again.

Enter The Beckhams. David and Victoria. David is the biggest soccer star in the world, and his wife Victoria is a former Spice Girl. And in just one month's time, the couple and their children are going to be your 'next big thing'. They're moving to LA.

To say you are welcome to them is the biggest understatement since Britney Spears said "I'm feeling unwell." Despite David helping England's ailing soccer team to actually win a game against a tiny insignificant country on Wednesday night, he is still considered over here to be an aging, waning star. Dropped from the England squad 11 months ago, this reprieve has done little to catapult him back to the dizzy heights he once enjoyed.

Celebrity endorsements are fading faster than Victoria's body fat. Granted he is good-looking, but my goodness, have you ever heard him speak? Thick as a brick just about sums him up - if the brick in question is really, really thick.

And what of Victoria, the one-time 'Posh Spice'? About as posh as a badger's armpit, this super skinny superstar is so desperate for 'A List' status in your country that she will do almost anything to achieve her goal. I say almost anything because the one thing you won't catch her doing, ever, is smiling.

The golden couple are starting to tarnish for us Brits, the truth is we are simply bored of them. We will, however, be watching their American journey with a mixture of fascination and empathy. Victoria will pout her way along your West Coast befriending anyone who can give her a status leg-up, and David will play some soccer and then stand around looking pretty.

As far as British imports go this one is a dud. But you have no one to blame but yourselves. Enticing David over with hundreds of millions of dollars and encouraging Victoria with your column inches and broadcast minutes. Be prepared for offensive levels of over-exposure by these two. You have been warned.
By Peterie Hosken